There’s a saying that goes “first day man is a guest, second day a pest and third day a burden”. This saying is applicable to everyone as I’m sure we all have different stories to tell. I’ve had my fair share of guests too ranging from occasional bouts of fever to irritating characters that have come and gone. But in all, nothing ever prepares you for that burdensome “guest”. At first you may think you think you can handle it over time or find a way around it somehow but when it really gets down to it, nothing is what it seems.
After I lost my mum to breast cancer a decade ago, I figured it was one of those experiences you go through in life. Then came that awkward moment when I was 21yrs old and down with one of them “guests”, chickenpox! And I thought, ‘well…ok! It comes and goes. Then I’m taking a bath one day and like a rude shock I noticed a pea sized lump in one of my breasts. I’ve known my breasts to be very healthy in spite of their size (they suffered arrested development in my teens) but this? Anyhow, I met with my doc and ended up going under the knife for a 45minute minor procedure with no side effects (that’s if you count post-operative pain).
So I carry on with my life, wading through the turbulent waters of life, hanging unto my faith and God and everything seemed to be going well till 8yrs later when the same guest arrived again, this time in a different location from the first. Hmm….not again!!! I echoed the same reaction from friends and family. But, hey! I did it once and I will do it again ‘send them packing’, sounds easy doesn’t it? It always does till you have to go under that knife. If I should count my scars…..So in and out I went with once again with bearable side effects or so I thought. My breasts were never really the same after that. It was always one scare after the other until my doc found a name for it ‘fibrocystic disease’.
Well considering my age and family history, I had a lot to worry about as much as my doc always tried to dispel my fears which leaves me to sound this note of warning “NEVER LISTEN TO A DOCTOR WHO TELLS YOU TO GO HOME WITH NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT, GET A SECOND OPINION OR BUG THE HELL OUTTA HIM TILL YOU GIVE HIM SOMETHING TO WORRY ABOUT’. Too many people have lost their lives in the process but that’s talk for another day. In the end, after having to deal with all these breast changes, I look back now and wonder if I was being prepared for that ‘burdensome guest’ and personally, I can’t say. I know I prayed hard never to experience it but it still came.
I had yet another go under the knife after I noticed a lump I had been carrying for close to 3yrs. My doc was well aware of this but then again don’t take ‘don’t worry’ for an answer. I just got tired of carrying it and insisted I have it tested of which the result wasn’t convincing enough to my doc who felt it was best removed and tested again for more conclusive results which of course came back positive for cancer. After all my breasts and I had been through, I sat still for a long while before the tears began to fall. All these years I’d always escaped with benign results. Why not now? After watching my mum go through this, I knew I was in for a long, lonely and painful journey.
Nothing ever prepares you for adversity. Never did I imagine that I will have to lean and depend heavily on people the way I have done and still do especially someone like me who’s always independent and meticulous even to the last detail. People say I’m strong but I’m to understand how. I just know it’s God’s doing. I had prayed and hoped that He’d spare me this agony but I guess He said NO! IT HAS TO BE YOU! In all things however, He’s shown that He’s there and very much in charge of things. You see this thing called ‘trust’ is grace given by God. I don’t think I’ve had to ask the ‘why me?’ question and don’t plan to because it really doesn’t change anything. It always makes sense to surrender and see where He takes you. I’ve begun my journey and it’s beginning to take its toll physically and otherwise but I take it one step at a time and I see myself missing out on a lot of things like my career (never really had a social life) but whatever is lost can always be replaced. Things will never be the same for me again for sure but I’m grateful for the all the support I’m getting. This guest may be a burden but one thing I know for sure is that we will never forget each other.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
21 RULES FOR A SINGLE WOMAN
1) You are not the only one, get a life.
2) Never envy your married peers. They may just be envying you.#nothingiswhatitseems#
3) Loneliness, like other feelings, come and go. You don't feel lonely when you're shopping, do you?
4) Avoid trigger zones because emotions like sadness, depression and loneliness are external induced emotions, meaning they are triggered from without before you feel them within.
5) Become health conscious, ditch junk food and all negative lifestyle habits and replace them with a low fat diet. Your body will thank you for it.
6) Find a good gynaecologist and a good oncologist and make them your best friends.
7) Don't take every guy you meet seriously. Most of the time, they take only one part of you seriously. The rule here is "love all, trust those who earn it".
8) Don't cry out to God everynight about it. He heard you the first time besides He's known you from eternity so He knows when best to answer (He may want you to get a life too).
9) Have a strong support group be it family or friends. Everyone needs them.
10) What is your dream? Work, save, plan towards it. Remember the period of singleness is the time for self actualisations.
11) When it comes to married men, don't start what will finish you.
12) If you can't be happy without someone,you won't be happy with someone.
13) When it comes to your body, 'NO' maybe an old fashioned word but it has maintained a lot of dignity and respect.
14) Stop going to church, parties or hangouts hoping to meet the right one. That don't work anymore. Love now hides is strange places and will find you when you least expect.
15) Take your faith more seriously. Don't forget you have a soul.
16) Avoid people with negative energy, it rubs off. Find people who will push you to be the best.
17) If you're a hopeless romantic, stop watching romantic movies. It don't happen in real life.
18) The world is not gonna change to suit you, so don't go changing trying to please anyone who cant love you as you are.
19) The man you marry will determine 99% of your happiness or 99% of your misery. So choose wisely.
20) Don't give too much away, always save some of you for yourself. You will need it.
21) Whoever breaks your heart only made you stronger. It's his loss not yours.
You will meet quite a number of a** holes before you meet the one but when you finally meet the man of your dreams these rules would have been worth it.
2) Never envy your married peers. They may just be envying you.#nothingiswhatitseems#
3) Loneliness, like other feelings, come and go. You don't feel lonely when you're shopping, do you?
4) Avoid trigger zones because emotions like sadness, depression and loneliness are external induced emotions, meaning they are triggered from without before you feel them within.
5) Become health conscious, ditch junk food and all negative lifestyle habits and replace them with a low fat diet. Your body will thank you for it.
6) Find a good gynaecologist and a good oncologist and make them your best friends.
7) Don't take every guy you meet seriously. Most of the time, they take only one part of you seriously. The rule here is "love all, trust those who earn it".
8) Don't cry out to God everynight about it. He heard you the first time besides He's known you from eternity so He knows when best to answer (He may want you to get a life too).
9) Have a strong support group be it family or friends. Everyone needs them.
10) What is your dream? Work, save, plan towards it. Remember the period of singleness is the time for self actualisations.
11) When it comes to married men, don't start what will finish you.
12) If you can't be happy without someone,you won't be happy with someone.
13) When it comes to your body, 'NO' maybe an old fashioned word but it has maintained a lot of dignity and respect.
14) Stop going to church, parties or hangouts hoping to meet the right one. That don't work anymore. Love now hides is strange places and will find you when you least expect.
15) Take your faith more seriously. Don't forget you have a soul.
16) Avoid people with negative energy, it rubs off. Find people who will push you to be the best.
17) If you're a hopeless romantic, stop watching romantic movies. It don't happen in real life.
18) The world is not gonna change to suit you, so don't go changing trying to please anyone who cant love you as you are.
19) The man you marry will determine 99% of your happiness or 99% of your misery. So choose wisely.
20) Don't give too much away, always save some of you for yourself. You will need it.
21) Whoever breaks your heart only made you stronger. It's his loss not yours.
You will meet quite a number of a** holes before you meet the one but when you finally meet the man of your dreams these rules would have been worth it.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Deciding you don't before you say 'I do'
Is there any benefit of waiting ’til you’re wed before you go to bed? A recent study seems to think so
SEX, MONEY and POWER are three of the most common causes of rows in relationships. So I guess if you delay the sex until after marriage, then it could be fair to say that you may not have as many issues in your marriage,” says family therapist David Kavanagh.
His comments are backed up by a recent study led by academic Dean Busby from Brigham University in Utah, which lent some support to the idea that the longer a couple delays sex before marriage, the better chance the marriage has of lasting.
Busby and his team of researchers surveyed more than 2,000 couples, ranging in age from 19 to 71 years, and found that communication, sexual quality, perceived stability and relationship satisfaction were better for those couples who had waited until after marriage to consummate their relationship.
The bottom line from the study seems to be that if you want to give marriage the best chance of survival, it’s best to make each other wait. The academics who pioneered the study did so because of a lack of empirical data on how the timing of sex between a couple impacts on the longevity of a marriage.
“What was out there was really more about adolescent sexual debut as well as research exploring how old adolescents were when they had their first sexual experiences,” says Busby. “We found nothing within the last two decades that really considered the influence of sexual timing on the current couple relationship.”
The findings have drawn a certain amount of comment from both liberal and conservative groups alike. The study itself though doesn’t quite go all the way, and questions as to why delaying sex might impact on the longevity of a marriage remain unanswered.
“Some conservative people accept the findings without question because it reflects their values,” says Busby, “while some more liberal people, in terms of sexual behaviours, won’t accept any of the findings no matter what is said. Many people in the middle are saying things like, ‘Yeah, there have been times where I should have been smarter in the decisions I made about sex’.
“We also get a number of people who insist that sexual compatibility is the most important issue in a relationship. They say things such as, ‘There is no way I’m going to marry someone if I don’t know whether we are sexually compatible.’
“Of course, it would be a mistake for any of us to marry someone who we were not sexually attracted to, but what does sexual compatibility mean and how important is it?”
One of the significant findings of the study, which came as a surprise to the research team, was the fact that sexual timing has a stronger influence on relationship stability than on relationship satisfaction.
“It appears that when a couple is sexual early, this might plant a seed of distrust or concern about commitment that can interfere with trust,” Busby says. Couples who have sex very early on in a relationship may do so to the detriment of other aspects of their union.
“When sexual behaviours are involved very early in the relationship, they become very powerful and maybe even dominate the relationship experience, so that communication and other basic relationship skills do not develop as well,” he notes.
Yet what are the chances that we could see a societal change and a return to the days when relationships were often only consummated after marriage?
Family therapist David Kavanagh believes a move to less sex before marriage is highly unlikely. “I would say that I have met approximately only 1 per cent of couples who are prepared to say that they are waiting for marriage before sex.
“I would think that we are a long way off a reversal to this form of relationship as the societal pressures to live together and the loosening of religious affiliations makes a huge impact on people’s lives today.”
Kavanagh says that despite the benefits of delaying sex highlighted in this study, a liberalised view of the role sex plays in relationships has developed in society.
“When parents tell children aged 18 or younger that it is okay for their boyfriend or girlfriend to stay over, the lesson is surely that sex is more recreational than commitment forming. Unless parents adopt a radically different view in the near future, I don’t see this changing,” he adds.
The last word then should go to married father of two Seán Morgan. When asked whether couples should consciously limit sex in their relationship before walking down the aisle, he replied: “That’s what happens after you get married.”
Two couples share their experience in delaying sex until after they were married:
TOM and JACKI ASCOUGH
What was your attitude to sex before your marriage?
Tom : “For our relationship, we realised how important it was to be able to show restraint before marriage, so we could be strong for each other when married. It is a very difficult transition to be all for sex before marriage with multiple partners and then suddenly have to maintain an exclusive relationship.
“Succeeding in an exclusive married relationship is something that comes more easily if the concept has already been applied before marriage. This implies saving sex for marriage. This is not a popular concept, but neither is the truth always popular.”
Jacki : “When Tom and I met there was an instant attraction. Very early on we had to make some tough decisions about how far we were going to go sexually. Because the attraction we felt was so strong, it took a lot of self-restraint on both our parts to draw a line and not cross it.
“But we both felt our relationship had the potential to be long term, and that kept us motivated to save sexual intercourse. It wasn’t always easy. Because when you are in love and the attraction is so strong, the desire is to get closer and closer physically.
“We both wanted to save sex for marriage whether that was going to be with each other or with someone else. A big key for us was communication. As our relationship progressed, we discussed it a lot! When I felt weak and wanted to give in to my sexual feelings, Tom would stay focused and remind me what we were at and visa versa. It wasn’t always easy, but because we loved each other so much, we managed.”
How do you think this has impacted on subsequent married life?
Tom: “Neither of us fears disloyalty from the other. We feel stronger knowing that we were able to show practical commitment to each other before we married. Our focus now is on being a strong family. The idea of considering other potential partners just doesn’t enter the picture for either of us.”
Jacki: “It has had a huge impact on our married life. We have a bond that is amazing. We’ve been married 15 years now. We are a normal couple with ups and downs in our relationship, but overall we have a very healthy and strong marriage. Because we both know that we are capable of controlling our sexual desires, I think that has built more trust into our relationship now.
“I trust Tom to stay faithful to our marriage vows, and he trusts me. That kind of trust doesn’t just happen – it is built. Our time together before marriage is the foundation that we have built our marriage on for today.”
Do you see any changes in Irish society in relation to this issue?
Tom : “There has been a marked increase in relationship breakdown along with the sexual boom of recent decades. Although not the only factor, it is a major one.”
Jacki : “Yes. Logically it seems like a good idea to have sex before marriage and even live together to see if you are a compatible couple. Many people would say if you’re in a committed relationship, then why not have sex if you love each other? But from my own personal observations, it seems to me those kind of relationships seem to have more difficulties. They don’t go the distance. Why? I’m sure there are many factors. Relationships are complex, but I know I wanted to do whatever I could to give the best start to our marriage. For us, that meant waiting to have sex until after we said, ‘I do’.”
PATRICK and THERESE McCRYSTAL
What was your attitude to sex before marriage?
Patrick : “Growing up, my mum instilled in us that pre-marital sexual activity before marriage would deeply offend God. This was a strong enough motivation in all my relationships at university and afterwards to maintain my purity, so that I could save myself as an unspoiled gift to who would be my future wife – whoever she would be!”
Therese : “I made the decision at a reasonably early age, about 13, that I would not ruin my virginity before marriage. I was neither a prude nor naive, as I had two sisters both conceive babies as teenagers. The heartache it caused the whole family probably helped strengthen my resolve.
My parents were nothing less than heroic in their support of my sisters and that taught me a lot too. I was a virgin on my wedding day and so was my spouse. In fact, most of our friends present were too, so it’s not as unusual as you might have thought.”
How do you think this has impacted on subsequent married life?
Patrick : “Waiting until marriage has meant we were free to give ourselves freely to one another and what a gift this was!
“My friends who did sleep with others before marriage tell me that there was a discontent sowed in their hearts towards their wives, because they had all these other experiences to compare her with. I am truly glad I waited and would fully recommend it to every young person.”
Therese : “The biggest impact is I trust my husband and I know he respects me. Our decision to marry was not based on physical involvement or emotional dependency.
“We were, of course, attracted to each other but just had clearer heads than if we had been sexually active. It also meant it didn’t take too long to figure out if this was ‘the one’ or not. Ten years on he’s still the one!
“Marriage was, for me, automatically associated with children. The two were one in my mind.”
Do you see any changes in Irish society in relation to this issue?
Patrick : “The marital act is the exclusive gift of husband and wife to one another. The unrestrained promotion of contraception has caused a desecration of the marital act, and its widespread abuse.
“Couples who refrain from sexual activity before marriage are just going to be happier. We see this from even all our friends and people we know.”
Therese : “Not too long ago Ireland was great talking about God and sex was a taboo subject.
“Today, the media would have you believe that sex is the god and God and particularly anything to do with Catholic beliefs is now the taboo.”
SEX, MONEY and POWER are three of the most common causes of rows in relationships. So I guess if you delay the sex until after marriage, then it could be fair to say that you may not have as many issues in your marriage,” says family therapist David Kavanagh.
His comments are backed up by a recent study led by academic Dean Busby from Brigham University in Utah, which lent some support to the idea that the longer a couple delays sex before marriage, the better chance the marriage has of lasting.
Busby and his team of researchers surveyed more than 2,000 couples, ranging in age from 19 to 71 years, and found that communication, sexual quality, perceived stability and relationship satisfaction were better for those couples who had waited until after marriage to consummate their relationship.
The bottom line from the study seems to be that if you want to give marriage the best chance of survival, it’s best to make each other wait. The academics who pioneered the study did so because of a lack of empirical data on how the timing of sex between a couple impacts on the longevity of a marriage.
“What was out there was really more about adolescent sexual debut as well as research exploring how old adolescents were when they had their first sexual experiences,” says Busby. “We found nothing within the last two decades that really considered the influence of sexual timing on the current couple relationship.”
The findings have drawn a certain amount of comment from both liberal and conservative groups alike. The study itself though doesn’t quite go all the way, and questions as to why delaying sex might impact on the longevity of a marriage remain unanswered.
“Some conservative people accept the findings without question because it reflects their values,” says Busby, “while some more liberal people, in terms of sexual behaviours, won’t accept any of the findings no matter what is said. Many people in the middle are saying things like, ‘Yeah, there have been times where I should have been smarter in the decisions I made about sex’.
“We also get a number of people who insist that sexual compatibility is the most important issue in a relationship. They say things such as, ‘There is no way I’m going to marry someone if I don’t know whether we are sexually compatible.’
“Of course, it would be a mistake for any of us to marry someone who we were not sexually attracted to, but what does sexual compatibility mean and how important is it?”
One of the significant findings of the study, which came as a surprise to the research team, was the fact that sexual timing has a stronger influence on relationship stability than on relationship satisfaction.
“It appears that when a couple is sexual early, this might plant a seed of distrust or concern about commitment that can interfere with trust,” Busby says. Couples who have sex very early on in a relationship may do so to the detriment of other aspects of their union.
“When sexual behaviours are involved very early in the relationship, they become very powerful and maybe even dominate the relationship experience, so that communication and other basic relationship skills do not develop as well,” he notes.
Yet what are the chances that we could see a societal change and a return to the days when relationships were often only consummated after marriage?
Family therapist David Kavanagh believes a move to less sex before marriage is highly unlikely. “I would say that I have met approximately only 1 per cent of couples who are prepared to say that they are waiting for marriage before sex.
“I would think that we are a long way off a reversal to this form of relationship as the societal pressures to live together and the loosening of religious affiliations makes a huge impact on people’s lives today.”
Kavanagh says that despite the benefits of delaying sex highlighted in this study, a liberalised view of the role sex plays in relationships has developed in society.
“When parents tell children aged 18 or younger that it is okay for their boyfriend or girlfriend to stay over, the lesson is surely that sex is more recreational than commitment forming. Unless parents adopt a radically different view in the near future, I don’t see this changing,” he adds.
The last word then should go to married father of two Seán Morgan. When asked whether couples should consciously limit sex in their relationship before walking down the aisle, he replied: “That’s what happens after you get married.”
Two couples share their experience in delaying sex until after they were married:
TOM and JACKI ASCOUGH
What was your attitude to sex before your marriage?
Tom : “For our relationship, we realised how important it was to be able to show restraint before marriage, so we could be strong for each other when married. It is a very difficult transition to be all for sex before marriage with multiple partners and then suddenly have to maintain an exclusive relationship.
“Succeeding in an exclusive married relationship is something that comes more easily if the concept has already been applied before marriage. This implies saving sex for marriage. This is not a popular concept, but neither is the truth always popular.”
Jacki : “When Tom and I met there was an instant attraction. Very early on we had to make some tough decisions about how far we were going to go sexually. Because the attraction we felt was so strong, it took a lot of self-restraint on both our parts to draw a line and not cross it.
“But we both felt our relationship had the potential to be long term, and that kept us motivated to save sexual intercourse. It wasn’t always easy. Because when you are in love and the attraction is so strong, the desire is to get closer and closer physically.
“We both wanted to save sex for marriage whether that was going to be with each other or with someone else. A big key for us was communication. As our relationship progressed, we discussed it a lot! When I felt weak and wanted to give in to my sexual feelings, Tom would stay focused and remind me what we were at and visa versa. It wasn’t always easy, but because we loved each other so much, we managed.”
How do you think this has impacted on subsequent married life?
Tom: “Neither of us fears disloyalty from the other. We feel stronger knowing that we were able to show practical commitment to each other before we married. Our focus now is on being a strong family. The idea of considering other potential partners just doesn’t enter the picture for either of us.”
Jacki: “It has had a huge impact on our married life. We have a bond that is amazing. We’ve been married 15 years now. We are a normal couple with ups and downs in our relationship, but overall we have a very healthy and strong marriage. Because we both know that we are capable of controlling our sexual desires, I think that has built more trust into our relationship now.
“I trust Tom to stay faithful to our marriage vows, and he trusts me. That kind of trust doesn’t just happen – it is built. Our time together before marriage is the foundation that we have built our marriage on for today.”
Do you see any changes in Irish society in relation to this issue?
Tom : “There has been a marked increase in relationship breakdown along with the sexual boom of recent decades. Although not the only factor, it is a major one.”
Jacki : “Yes. Logically it seems like a good idea to have sex before marriage and even live together to see if you are a compatible couple. Many people would say if you’re in a committed relationship, then why not have sex if you love each other? But from my own personal observations, it seems to me those kind of relationships seem to have more difficulties. They don’t go the distance. Why? I’m sure there are many factors. Relationships are complex, but I know I wanted to do whatever I could to give the best start to our marriage. For us, that meant waiting to have sex until after we said, ‘I do’.”
PATRICK and THERESE McCRYSTAL
What was your attitude to sex before marriage?
Patrick : “Growing up, my mum instilled in us that pre-marital sexual activity before marriage would deeply offend God. This was a strong enough motivation in all my relationships at university and afterwards to maintain my purity, so that I could save myself as an unspoiled gift to who would be my future wife – whoever she would be!”
Therese : “I made the decision at a reasonably early age, about 13, that I would not ruin my virginity before marriage. I was neither a prude nor naive, as I had two sisters both conceive babies as teenagers. The heartache it caused the whole family probably helped strengthen my resolve.
My parents were nothing less than heroic in their support of my sisters and that taught me a lot too. I was a virgin on my wedding day and so was my spouse. In fact, most of our friends present were too, so it’s not as unusual as you might have thought.”
How do you think this has impacted on subsequent married life?
Patrick : “Waiting until marriage has meant we were free to give ourselves freely to one another and what a gift this was!
“My friends who did sleep with others before marriage tell me that there was a discontent sowed in their hearts towards their wives, because they had all these other experiences to compare her with. I am truly glad I waited and would fully recommend it to every young person.”
Therese : “The biggest impact is I trust my husband and I know he respects me. Our decision to marry was not based on physical involvement or emotional dependency.
“We were, of course, attracted to each other but just had clearer heads than if we had been sexually active. It also meant it didn’t take too long to figure out if this was ‘the one’ or not. Ten years on he’s still the one!
“Marriage was, for me, automatically associated with children. The two were one in my mind.”
Do you see any changes in Irish society in relation to this issue?
Patrick : “The marital act is the exclusive gift of husband and wife to one another. The unrestrained promotion of contraception has caused a desecration of the marital act, and its widespread abuse.
“Couples who refrain from sexual activity before marriage are just going to be happier. We see this from even all our friends and people we know.”
Therese : “Not too long ago Ireland was great talking about God and sex was a taboo subject.
“Today, the media would have you believe that sex is the god and God and particularly anything to do with Catholic beliefs is now the taboo.”
Friday, February 11, 2011
Where is 'Happily Everafter'?
I think many young women often wonder 'Where is my happily ever after?' It sometimes feels like everyone as found theirs except you; especially leading up to Valentine's Day!
This post was inspired for me to write, partially from this...and she lived Happily Ever After, which I definitely recommend you all read; and partially from a conversation I had with a new friend last night. However, the post I have linked you to does deal more with a general view of all the troubles that can be in life...not just the feelings we seem to be more prone to around this 'holiday'.
The commercialism that surrounds Valentine's Day, is sad, deceptive and warped. After all, love really has nothing to do with red pink and white lacy heart cutouts, glitter, and expensive gifts and flowers. Love also has nothing to do with the obsessive Lust that runs rampant through this holiday and the expectations for it either. I think we can all agree that once you have found the man to spend the rest of your life with, you'll be able to enjoy Valentine's Day with him, a nice chance to just enjoy each other, and I agree that it is a good idea in that respect.
However, I mean to try to deal with and encourage those of us who are in our singleness this Valentine's day, so that is what I mean to focus on now. Somehow, just knowing the faults in Valentine's day doesn't seem to keep us from feeling lonely, somehow unwanted. We can't combat these feelings just with telling ourselves that it's a stupid holiday, because in reality these feelings aren't rising within us because of the holiday. These feelings are triggered by the holiday, but they do not come from it.
I think that the feelings that stem from our deep hidden distrust that God really is writing our love stories for us; whatever the pathway that we have gotten to the deep, unacknowledged conclusion, we have still gotten to it.
Learning to trust God in creating our love stories is one of the greatest struggles we females have I think. If we could learn to trust God utterly, than we would never once doubt how precious, beautiful, and loved we truly are. Sadly, we are imperfect, and perfect trust is not quite within our grasp, but that doesn't mean we can't grow some extreme improvement through growth in our spiritual walk.
I know I'm not saying anything that most of us don't already know, but ladies, I entreat you not to give in to those feelings, thoughts and notions that Satan is trying to use to trip you up. Don't give a second thought to Valentine's day, and know that you are without equal, and utterly precious in God's eyes. He has the perfect story planned for you and your life, and in the end, it will be the perfect happily ever after with Him.
Christ is the only person who can make us whole, and trying to look for a man to do that isn't fair to God, and it's not fair to the man we put those huge expectations on. So, this coming Valentine's day, let's commit to embracing what love truly is, and the One who can truly give it perfectly.
By Cecelia - Guest post blogger
This post was inspired for me to write, partially from this...and she lived Happily Ever After, which I definitely recommend you all read; and partially from a conversation I had with a new friend last night. However, the post I have linked you to does deal more with a general view of all the troubles that can be in life...not just the feelings we seem to be more prone to around this 'holiday'.
The commercialism that surrounds Valentine's Day, is sad, deceptive and warped. After all, love really has nothing to do with red pink and white lacy heart cutouts, glitter, and expensive gifts and flowers. Love also has nothing to do with the obsessive Lust that runs rampant through this holiday and the expectations for it either. I think we can all agree that once you have found the man to spend the rest of your life with, you'll be able to enjoy Valentine's Day with him, a nice chance to just enjoy each other, and I agree that it is a good idea in that respect.
However, I mean to try to deal with and encourage those of us who are in our singleness this Valentine's day, so that is what I mean to focus on now. Somehow, just knowing the faults in Valentine's day doesn't seem to keep us from feeling lonely, somehow unwanted. We can't combat these feelings just with telling ourselves that it's a stupid holiday, because in reality these feelings aren't rising within us because of the holiday. These feelings are triggered by the holiday, but they do not come from it.
I think that the feelings that stem from our deep hidden distrust that God really is writing our love stories for us; whatever the pathway that we have gotten to the deep, unacknowledged conclusion, we have still gotten to it.
Learning to trust God in creating our love stories is one of the greatest struggles we females have I think. If we could learn to trust God utterly, than we would never once doubt how precious, beautiful, and loved we truly are. Sadly, we are imperfect, and perfect trust is not quite within our grasp, but that doesn't mean we can't grow some extreme improvement through growth in our spiritual walk.
I know I'm not saying anything that most of us don't already know, but ladies, I entreat you not to give in to those feelings, thoughts and notions that Satan is trying to use to trip you up. Don't give a second thought to Valentine's day, and know that you are without equal, and utterly precious in God's eyes. He has the perfect story planned for you and your life, and in the end, it will be the perfect happily ever after with Him.
Christ is the only person who can make us whole, and trying to look for a man to do that isn't fair to God, and it's not fair to the man we put those huge expectations on. So, this coming Valentine's day, let's commit to embracing what love truly is, and the One who can truly give it perfectly.
By Cecelia - Guest post blogger
Thursday, January 13, 2011
How kissing affects Chastity by Anthony Buono
When it comes to kissing or other forms of physical touch before marriage, the opinions about the when and how you do it will vary greatly, depending on who you talk to. As to how kissing is connected to maintaining virginity, that will also vary in opinion a great deal.
How we conduct ourselves is a reflection of our interior life. Therefore, the way we speak, the way we dress, the way we behave, etc., all bear witness to what is in our mind, heart, and spiritual life.
Kissing is not just something we do. It is an expression of the interior. Let’s be clear that it is a good thing. But there are different types of kissing, and each have their place. The most common three are the peck on the cheek, the pressing of lips, and the more passionate expression of kissing that is known as “French kissing,” where the tongue is involved.
I think we can immediately eliminate the peck on the cheek option as being anything negative. Kissing someone on the cheek displays a sign of affection, but hardly qualifies as something immoral or that would break down the defenses of purity that maintain one’s virginity. Friends and family express their love for each other this way (even men with other men in many cultures).
Now we turn to the kiss on the lips. This one must be considered in the area of the sacred, in my view. I’m sure many will think I am crazy, or perhaps old-fashioned, but the more I understand about the person, marriage, purity, and love, the more I think we are too flippant about the act of kissing.
What is wrong with a little kiss with someone you are dating? In one respect, nothing. Again, right now we are talking about a kiss on the lips. And I am not referring to the kind of quick kiss two young people might do because they are shy, curious and, well, young. I am referring to a kiss on the lips for a longer duration of time. There is nothing wrong with this. I don’t believe closed-mouth kisses are typically capable of exciting passions that lead to other physical activity, including that which would break down the defenses of purity that maintain one’s virginity. Unless, of course, the arms get involved. If you hug and press each other close for an extended period of time while kissing, then the risk of exciting passions increases, starting with the temptation to open the mouth and move on to the next kind of kiss.
But let’s stay with closed-mouth kissing for a moment. We agree it's not wrong, per se, nor immoral. However, there is symbolism to this action that needs to be considered. The prolonged kiss on the lips is a gesture that represents something more (or at least it should). It represents a willing offering of the heart. Particularly for a woman, a kiss represents the invitation to pursue her heart further.
Men should greatly respect this aspect of a women. And a good man is going to feel the same way. The alternative is the risk of heartbreak on either side, men as well as women. If there was kissing involved in a relationship that ends, no matter how brief, there is more given away than just the lips. In that kiss is given the affection that is rooted in the heart.
Every young girl dreams of her first kiss. Boys typically do not. They simply want to kiss a girl. Girls want to fall in love. The kiss is a symbol of that possibility. Boys just want to kiss for the pleasure of it. Girls want it to be so much more than that. And they have the power to inspire boys to feel that way too. In that respect, a woman can lead a man in chastity. But a man who has this sensibility and lives it in his dating life inspires the heart of a woman.
Saving your kiss for your future spouse may be difficult (if not impossible) for the modern world to practice, but it is wise to try and do. Kissing is definitely a precursor. Preserving your kiss also helps preserve your virginity for your future spouse. It means those who just want sex from you will flee pretty quickly. And that’s good, because that means you learned their quality; which is not much if they are not willing to wait. You are worth the wait.
The physical action of kissing is the first line of defense, and to express a physical kiss is to challenge the guards. Once past this guard, other physical allowances will then be challenged and succumbed to.
Let this external expression happen and the interior will is weakened. The more you do it, the weaker your will. It is folly to assume that purity can be maintained with passionate kissing. Perhaps there are rare people who have such strong self control that they can kiss deeply and stop there. But most of us cannot. There really is no place for this kind of kissing among two practicing, unmarried Christians. It is too dangerous, and our call to chastity requires we guard against stirring the passions.
I suggest focusing on the principle of kissing. We need more unmarried persons considering this. We need them to make the connection of the kiss and the heart, especially men when it comes to a woman’s heart. We need more virgins coming to the altar of the Lord on wedding days. I am convinced that kissing has much to do with why there are not more people who have saved themselves for their wedding day.
I realize those dating are faced with the expectations to have sex, even among Catholics, and that my kissing opinion seems unrealistic. We live in a sex obsessed world. Sadly, the kiss is not considered sacred, just as virginity is not. Why not bring back men kissing the hand of a woman? It is charming, it is respectful, it is gentlemanly, and it is very attractive. It also preserves purity while still expressing affection through a kiss.
I recognize that that it might be unrealistic to expect this, and that people do kiss people they don't actually end up marrying. I don’t want to imply that I think people are wrong, or bad, or immoral if they engage in kissing someone they don’t marry. It’s not a matter of what is wrong or right. I just want to challenge people to think about this more, and consider something counter-cultural and that might actually help the big picture when it comes to dating and marriage. It’s a matter of strengthening our will, because a weak will easily makes excuses for actions. We should consider what is important, and consider our motives, and consider the "Why?" of an action long before we "decide" to do it. Just maybe this will help protect purity even better.
Perhaps if we focused on preserving the kiss and seeing it as a gift rather than a right when dating, the issues of pre-marital sex and the loss of virginity would naturally go away. I just pray that my children, at least, will see it that way. I don’t intend to be unrealistic about this, but I am teaching them as they grow how things like kissing are connected to love, marriage, and virginity, and the meaning behind actions.
How we conduct ourselves is a reflection of our interior life. Therefore, the way we speak, the way we dress, the way we behave, etc., all bear witness to what is in our mind, heart, and spiritual life.
Kissing is not just something we do. It is an expression of the interior. Let’s be clear that it is a good thing. But there are different types of kissing, and each have their place. The most common three are the peck on the cheek, the pressing of lips, and the more passionate expression of kissing that is known as “French kissing,” where the tongue is involved.
I think we can immediately eliminate the peck on the cheek option as being anything negative. Kissing someone on the cheek displays a sign of affection, but hardly qualifies as something immoral or that would break down the defenses of purity that maintain one’s virginity. Friends and family express their love for each other this way (even men with other men in many cultures).
Now we turn to the kiss on the lips. This one must be considered in the area of the sacred, in my view. I’m sure many will think I am crazy, or perhaps old-fashioned, but the more I understand about the person, marriage, purity, and love, the more I think we are too flippant about the act of kissing.
What is wrong with a little kiss with someone you are dating? In one respect, nothing. Again, right now we are talking about a kiss on the lips. And I am not referring to the kind of quick kiss two young people might do because they are shy, curious and, well, young. I am referring to a kiss on the lips for a longer duration of time. There is nothing wrong with this. I don’t believe closed-mouth kisses are typically capable of exciting passions that lead to other physical activity, including that which would break down the defenses of purity that maintain one’s virginity. Unless, of course, the arms get involved. If you hug and press each other close for an extended period of time while kissing, then the risk of exciting passions increases, starting with the temptation to open the mouth and move on to the next kind of kiss.
But let’s stay with closed-mouth kissing for a moment. We agree it's not wrong, per se, nor immoral. However, there is symbolism to this action that needs to be considered. The prolonged kiss on the lips is a gesture that represents something more (or at least it should). It represents a willing offering of the heart. Particularly for a woman, a kiss represents the invitation to pursue her heart further.
Men should greatly respect this aspect of a women. And a good man is going to feel the same way. The alternative is the risk of heartbreak on either side, men as well as women. If there was kissing involved in a relationship that ends, no matter how brief, there is more given away than just the lips. In that kiss is given the affection that is rooted in the heart.
Every young girl dreams of her first kiss. Boys typically do not. They simply want to kiss a girl. Girls want to fall in love. The kiss is a symbol of that possibility. Boys just want to kiss for the pleasure of it. Girls want it to be so much more than that. And they have the power to inspire boys to feel that way too. In that respect, a woman can lead a man in chastity. But a man who has this sensibility and lives it in his dating life inspires the heart of a woman.
Saving your kiss for your future spouse may be difficult (if not impossible) for the modern world to practice, but it is wise to try and do. Kissing is definitely a precursor. Preserving your kiss also helps preserve your virginity for your future spouse. It means those who just want sex from you will flee pretty quickly. And that’s good, because that means you learned their quality; which is not much if they are not willing to wait. You are worth the wait.
The physical action of kissing is the first line of defense, and to express a physical kiss is to challenge the guards. Once past this guard, other physical allowances will then be challenged and succumbed to.
Let this external expression happen and the interior will is weakened. The more you do it, the weaker your will. It is folly to assume that purity can be maintained with passionate kissing. Perhaps there are rare people who have such strong self control that they can kiss deeply and stop there. But most of us cannot. There really is no place for this kind of kissing among two practicing, unmarried Christians. It is too dangerous, and our call to chastity requires we guard against stirring the passions.
I suggest focusing on the principle of kissing. We need more unmarried persons considering this. We need them to make the connection of the kiss and the heart, especially men when it comes to a woman’s heart. We need more virgins coming to the altar of the Lord on wedding days. I am convinced that kissing has much to do with why there are not more people who have saved themselves for their wedding day.
I realize those dating are faced with the expectations to have sex, even among Catholics, and that my kissing opinion seems unrealistic. We live in a sex obsessed world. Sadly, the kiss is not considered sacred, just as virginity is not. Why not bring back men kissing the hand of a woman? It is charming, it is respectful, it is gentlemanly, and it is very attractive. It also preserves purity while still expressing affection through a kiss.
I recognize that that it might be unrealistic to expect this, and that people do kiss people they don't actually end up marrying. I don’t want to imply that I think people are wrong, or bad, or immoral if they engage in kissing someone they don’t marry. It’s not a matter of what is wrong or right. I just want to challenge people to think about this more, and consider something counter-cultural and that might actually help the big picture when it comes to dating and marriage. It’s a matter of strengthening our will, because a weak will easily makes excuses for actions. We should consider what is important, and consider our motives, and consider the "Why?" of an action long before we "decide" to do it. Just maybe this will help protect purity even better.
Perhaps if we focused on preserving the kiss and seeing it as a gift rather than a right when dating, the issues of pre-marital sex and the loss of virginity would naturally go away. I just pray that my children, at least, will see it that way. I don’t intend to be unrealistic about this, but I am teaching them as they grow how things like kissing are connected to love, marriage, and virginity, and the meaning behind actions.
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