Sex is a beautiful thing. Just as every other thing that was designed by Master designer. It was designed for procreation purposes and also happens to be pleasurable in the process (talk about what God won't do to make us happy).
The idea of seeing two people come together through such a powerful and spiritual manner to create life remains a mystery we will never comprehend. However, in spite of all this glorification, having sex still has its consequences. I'm not preaching whether it's right or wrong. Or whether you should, or shouldn't have it. That's remains your decision since you have the right to free will. This is for those who do not want to engage in sex whether it is teens who are too young, or men and women who'd rather not, or the reasoning is for religious beliefs. Sometimes it's not even about not having sex eventually but Sometimes if it happens too fast, then there is a chance that is what the relationship will just be about.
I actually believe it can potentially be bad to have sex too soon, if you are really serious about your partner. I can't say that is for certain. I know that doesn't sound like a real manly thing to say either. Everyone wants sex, or likes it. Women do, obviously guys do as well. Outside those physical urges we all get, sometimes it's not always the right time for sex and being human (with a body no be wood mentality)it's not always easy to control them.
However, if you are really serious about it here are stop steps I'm sure might help.
1. Avoid being alone during possible sexual situations. For instance if the two of you are in a house, or apartment all alone. This is a very easy way for sexual tension to increase quite fast (especially if you two are attracted to each other) then you start to kiss and quickly and we know how that usually ends. I know the two of you need alone time, some of the time. You can go about it in some other way like going to see a movie and creating fun things you can both enjoy without feeling sorry for it or generally avoid doing things that increase the chance of it escalating into sex. I guess this step is pretty difficult but it's in all of us to achieve whatever we set our minds to.
2. Think about something that's a total turn off. If you feel the urge is really coming, think about the most unattractive thing possible to help block off such thoughts. The main objective here is to help get your mind engaged as constructively as possible.
3. Talk to your partner. Tell him or her what your beliefs are and what you want. If they truly care about you and want to be with you, they'd understand. Don't feel guilty, or allow them to make you feel bad for not pleasing their pleasures. You shouldn't be entitled to do something that you aren't sure or ready for. If they can't understand this, then you have to wonder if they are who you thought they were and if you ought to be with them. Remember your belief and ideals are what make up your existence and where you don't see eye to eye with your partner on such issues then I need not say more.
4. Avoid peer pressure from others. It's very easy for both of the couples in the relationship to feel they aren't ready, and have friends pressure them into it. I never understood this, especially for a guys sake. When other men look down at it as wimpy, or not "manly" if a guy doesn't engage in sex. To me that just tells you how insecure they are in reality. Where they have to hide that with the macho sex talk. It's extremely easy for all of us to have sex (besides sex in itself is not a sin, it's who you have it with that makes it a sin). For some it is some big mission in life. Everyone does it eventually, how else are there so many of us popping up everywhere? So ignore those people, if you must.
5. Work together. There's no better feeling than knowing you are with someone that shares the same ideals with you. Though there are some exceptions to the rule because I've seen and heard of people who were heavily influenced by their partners and turned around for good. Still it is important to know that both of you are working for each others spiritual development because true religion is not immoral.
If you are not ready to start having sex or want to save it for marriage, then you might have to wait a while before you can find a partner cos it's becoming more difficult to find Ur kind of people these days even amongst devoted Christians (yes even them too). They are the worst hit, some saying one thing and doing another whilst some are embracing it with outstretched arms. But not to worry, as long as it's your life your talking about, that's all that really counts.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Friday, December 10, 2010
10 Characteristics of a Healthy Relationship
The sky is the limit for how far you can go in a healthy relationship.
Healthy relationships with friends are the icing on life's cake. But it is not easy to form one, especially if you have not been surrounded by healthy relationships in the past. The exciting news, however, is that healthy friendships are a win-win situation. Standing together, friends can encourage each other to do amazing things in life. By understanding the characteristics of a healthy relationship, you can begin to improve and build new friendships.
Open Communication
1. People in healthy relationships communicate openly with one another. They give more than just a daily update of events; they talk about personal issues in their lives.
Balance
2. Relationships can often end in a train wreck when one person gives and the other only takes. But don't fall into the trap of comparing every little act of giving and expect it to be countered by an equal act from the other person. Friends in a healthy relationship should simply enjoy giving without expecting something in return, and that goes both ways.
Compassion
3. The main ingredient for all good friendships is compassion---when you truly care for the other person's needs as much as your own.
Honesty
4. People in healthy relationships are open and honest. They do not hide things of importance from each other, even if it makes them uncomfortable. Lies and cover-ups undermine trust, which is the foundation of a healthy relationship.
Faithfulness
5. When life gets hard, best friends don't hit the trail running in opposite directions. They stand by each other through thick and thin. They are true to their word and follow through with things they say they are going to do. Faithfulness in a friendship is imperative, especially when tragedy or hard times hit.
Respect
6. Everybody has expectations, which sometimes are not fulfilled. Maybe you and your friend have opposing viewpoints on an issue. This does not mean you need to part ways. On the contrary, people in healthy relationships learn to respect each other's ideas and opinions.
Conflict Resolution
7. Friends need to learn a healthy process of dealing with differences. This involves listening and healthy communication. For example, never say, "You always ..." or "There you go again with ...". It's always better to listen carefully, ask clarifying questions, and use appropriate "I" messages like, "I feel hurt when that happens because ..." or "I feel as if my opinions aren't being considered when ...". Nobody can argue with your perceptions and feelings. Learn which battles are worth fighting, and which ones are not worth the struggle.
Fun
8. Friends in a healthy relationship are good at getting things accomplished together, but they also know when to set work aside. They like doing fun activities together, or simply sharing a laugh.
Forgiveness
9. Forgiving others does not mean inviting them to trample over you time and time again. It simply means that you put the past behind you and hope for better things to come. If one person continues to deliberately offend the other, repeatedly expecting forgiveness, it might be time to end the relationship.
Be Yourself
10. Your friend should appreciate you for you. You should not have to change anything about your style or personality for somebody to like you.
By James Werning,
Healthy relationships with friends are the icing on life's cake. But it is not easy to form one, especially if you have not been surrounded by healthy relationships in the past. The exciting news, however, is that healthy friendships are a win-win situation. Standing together, friends can encourage each other to do amazing things in life. By understanding the characteristics of a healthy relationship, you can begin to improve and build new friendships.
Open Communication
1. People in healthy relationships communicate openly with one another. They give more than just a daily update of events; they talk about personal issues in their lives.
Balance
2. Relationships can often end in a train wreck when one person gives and the other only takes. But don't fall into the trap of comparing every little act of giving and expect it to be countered by an equal act from the other person. Friends in a healthy relationship should simply enjoy giving without expecting something in return, and that goes both ways.
Compassion
3. The main ingredient for all good friendships is compassion---when you truly care for the other person's needs as much as your own.
Honesty
4. People in healthy relationships are open and honest. They do not hide things of importance from each other, even if it makes them uncomfortable. Lies and cover-ups undermine trust, which is the foundation of a healthy relationship.
Faithfulness
5. When life gets hard, best friends don't hit the trail running in opposite directions. They stand by each other through thick and thin. They are true to their word and follow through with things they say they are going to do. Faithfulness in a friendship is imperative, especially when tragedy or hard times hit.
Respect
6. Everybody has expectations, which sometimes are not fulfilled. Maybe you and your friend have opposing viewpoints on an issue. This does not mean you need to part ways. On the contrary, people in healthy relationships learn to respect each other's ideas and opinions.
Conflict Resolution
7. Friends need to learn a healthy process of dealing with differences. This involves listening and healthy communication. For example, never say, "You always ..." or "There you go again with ...". It's always better to listen carefully, ask clarifying questions, and use appropriate "I" messages like, "I feel hurt when that happens because ..." or "I feel as if my opinions aren't being considered when ...". Nobody can argue with your perceptions and feelings. Learn which battles are worth fighting, and which ones are not worth the struggle.
Fun
8. Friends in a healthy relationship are good at getting things accomplished together, but they also know when to set work aside. They like doing fun activities together, or simply sharing a laugh.
Forgiveness
9. Forgiving others does not mean inviting them to trample over you time and time again. It simply means that you put the past behind you and hope for better things to come. If one person continues to deliberately offend the other, repeatedly expecting forgiveness, it might be time to end the relationship.
Be Yourself
10. Your friend should appreciate you for you. You should not have to change anything about your style or personality for somebody to like you.
By James Werning,
8 SIGNS YOU'RE DATING THE WRONG PERSON
Is there a nagging voice inside you? Something telling you that maybe this person you’re spending time with isn’t the best person for you to be with? That there’s someone better?
That your current relationship isn’t what you had dreamed for yourself? If so, then these are probably feelings you want to explore further. Here are eight signs that you are dating the wrong person.
Sign #1: You’re not Happy
This is a great place to start. Someone who is dating the right person consistently enjoys the relationship and feels a general sense of happiness. We’re not saying that they wouldn’t argue or be upset with their partner occasionally; even the healthiest couples do that. And we’re not saying that there wouldn’t be times when a person in a good relationship would get down or struggle emotionally at some level. But generally speaking, a person who is in the right relationship is going to be happy. So if you find yourself unhappy much of the time – and especially when you’re with your partner – then that’s a fairly clear sign that this may not be the best person for you.
Sign #2: You Don’t Feel Good about Yourself
In addition to feeling happy, a person in a good relationship usually has a positive self esteem. Sure, they will have doubts and insecurities, and they may even deal with some bigger questions about themselves. But the time they spend with their partner will make them feel better about themselves, not worse. In contrast, if your partner exacerbates your self doubts and undermines your confidence, then that’s a major red flag that this is not a good person for you to be in a relationship with. You want someone who affirms and celebrates the great things about you, not someone who wrecks your self confidence and torpedoes your every attempt at growth.
Sign #3: The People you Trust Urge you to Get Out
If the people you trust and are closest to feel that you’ve found a good catch and therefore encourage the relationship, that’s a good sign that you two may belong together. On the other hand, if the people who love you the most are begging you to get away from someone, then that person’s probably not the one for you. Of course, sometimes your friends and family may choose someone for you who isn’t a great match. In these cases, it’s not always wise to follow their advice. But if they are the people you trust the most and who know you best, and they are urging you to get out of your current relationship, then you owe it to yourself to give their advice a serious listen.
Sign #4: You Find yourself Constantly Thinking about Someone Else
It’s not always the case that a person is wrong because of some sort of character flaw or personal defect. Sometimes, the problem is simply that the person isn’t someone else. If you are dating one person but secretly wishing you were with somebody else, then that’s a problem. It could be that it’s an ex you’re still carrying a torch for. Or maybe it’s someone else in your life you wish you could be with. Regardless, if you are constantly (or even frequently) wishing you were dating a different person, then that’s a sure-fire sign that your current relationship is not all it should be.
Sign #5: You Find yourself Denying Facts you know to be True
This is the old “river in Egypt” problem—you’re swimming in “de Nile.” And it can happen to all of us. We know something is true, but we just can’t bring ourselves to see it or admit it. Maybe you don’t want to believe something negative about your partner, or you want to ignore the fact that all you two ever do is argue when you’re together. Whatever the actual issue, if you are working hard to deny facts about your relationship that you know to be true, then you are probably dating the wrong person.
Sign #6: The Cons of Staying Together Outweigh the Pros
A cost-benefit analysis can be helpful in situations other than at the office. Sit down for a few minutes and write down the advantages of continuing to date the person you are with. Then list the disadvantages. When you compare the lists, you might determine that the reasons to stay together are more compelling than the reasons to break up. But if the opposite appears to be the case, then let logic be your guide and move on to someone else.
Sign #7: Your Instincts are Saying get Out
As a general rule, voices inside you are there for a reason, and they ought to be listened to. Sometimes an inner voice may tell us that we’ve found our soul mate, or simply that we should continue to pursue a relationship until we discover how fulfilling it can be. But sometimes, something within us is whispering (or even screaming) that we’re dating the wrong person. If this is the case for you, then one of the worst things you can do is to ignore that voice. Give it free reign and let it direct you to the conclusion you may have already come to.
Sign #8: You Already Know the Truth
It might be the case that at this point, you really don’t know whether you are dating the wrong person. If so, then you may want to continue the relationship for a while longer so you two can explore whether you should be together. Relationships often take time to achieve their full potential. But you may determine that you are dating someone you should definitely not be dating. If so, then you need to be brave enough to do what you need to do, and end the relationship.
Find someone who treats you like you need to be treated and makes you happy. Someone who makes you feel good about yourself, and whom the people you trust encourage you to be with. Someone who, when you are really honest with yourself, you know deserves to become that special person in your life. When you find that person, you won’t have to worry that you’re dating the wrong person.
That your current relationship isn’t what you had dreamed for yourself? If so, then these are probably feelings you want to explore further. Here are eight signs that you are dating the wrong person.
Sign #1: You’re not Happy
This is a great place to start. Someone who is dating the right person consistently enjoys the relationship and feels a general sense of happiness. We’re not saying that they wouldn’t argue or be upset with their partner occasionally; even the healthiest couples do that. And we’re not saying that there wouldn’t be times when a person in a good relationship would get down or struggle emotionally at some level. But generally speaking, a person who is in the right relationship is going to be happy. So if you find yourself unhappy much of the time – and especially when you’re with your partner – then that’s a fairly clear sign that this may not be the best person for you.
Sign #2: You Don’t Feel Good about Yourself
In addition to feeling happy, a person in a good relationship usually has a positive self esteem. Sure, they will have doubts and insecurities, and they may even deal with some bigger questions about themselves. But the time they spend with their partner will make them feel better about themselves, not worse. In contrast, if your partner exacerbates your self doubts and undermines your confidence, then that’s a major red flag that this is not a good person for you to be in a relationship with. You want someone who affirms and celebrates the great things about you, not someone who wrecks your self confidence and torpedoes your every attempt at growth.
Sign #3: The People you Trust Urge you to Get Out
If the people you trust and are closest to feel that you’ve found a good catch and therefore encourage the relationship, that’s a good sign that you two may belong together. On the other hand, if the people who love you the most are begging you to get away from someone, then that person’s probably not the one for you. Of course, sometimes your friends and family may choose someone for you who isn’t a great match. In these cases, it’s not always wise to follow their advice. But if they are the people you trust the most and who know you best, and they are urging you to get out of your current relationship, then you owe it to yourself to give their advice a serious listen.
Sign #4: You Find yourself Constantly Thinking about Someone Else
It’s not always the case that a person is wrong because of some sort of character flaw or personal defect. Sometimes, the problem is simply that the person isn’t someone else. If you are dating one person but secretly wishing you were with somebody else, then that’s a problem. It could be that it’s an ex you’re still carrying a torch for. Or maybe it’s someone else in your life you wish you could be with. Regardless, if you are constantly (or even frequently) wishing you were dating a different person, then that’s a sure-fire sign that your current relationship is not all it should be.
Sign #5: You Find yourself Denying Facts you know to be True
This is the old “river in Egypt” problem—you’re swimming in “de Nile.” And it can happen to all of us. We know something is true, but we just can’t bring ourselves to see it or admit it. Maybe you don’t want to believe something negative about your partner, or you want to ignore the fact that all you two ever do is argue when you’re together. Whatever the actual issue, if you are working hard to deny facts about your relationship that you know to be true, then you are probably dating the wrong person.
Sign #6: The Cons of Staying Together Outweigh the Pros
A cost-benefit analysis can be helpful in situations other than at the office. Sit down for a few minutes and write down the advantages of continuing to date the person you are with. Then list the disadvantages. When you compare the lists, you might determine that the reasons to stay together are more compelling than the reasons to break up. But if the opposite appears to be the case, then let logic be your guide and move on to someone else.
Sign #7: Your Instincts are Saying get Out
As a general rule, voices inside you are there for a reason, and they ought to be listened to. Sometimes an inner voice may tell us that we’ve found our soul mate, or simply that we should continue to pursue a relationship until we discover how fulfilling it can be. But sometimes, something within us is whispering (or even screaming) that we’re dating the wrong person. If this is the case for you, then one of the worst things you can do is to ignore that voice. Give it free reign and let it direct you to the conclusion you may have already come to.
Sign #8: You Already Know the Truth
It might be the case that at this point, you really don’t know whether you are dating the wrong person. If so, then you may want to continue the relationship for a while longer so you two can explore whether you should be together. Relationships often take time to achieve their full potential. But you may determine that you are dating someone you should definitely not be dating. If so, then you need to be brave enough to do what you need to do, and end the relationship.
Find someone who treats you like you need to be treated and makes you happy. Someone who makes you feel good about yourself, and whom the people you trust encourage you to be with. Someone who, when you are really honest with yourself, you know deserves to become that special person in your life. When you find that person, you won’t have to worry that you’re dating the wrong person.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
SECRETS TO KEEP SECRETS TO SPILL
In a perfect relationship, you wouldn't keep any secrets from your sweetie. And you'd never have to worry if he were keeping anything from you, because his life, too, would be an open book.
But we live in the real world, where even the healthiest couples sometimes hide things from each other. To most of us, the secret to end all secrets (and many relationships) is an affair -- and no one will quibble with the devastating consequences of infidelity. Yet even "small" deceptions can rock a relationship, and it can be hard to draw the line between what's harmless and what's not.
So how to tell what can stay safely tucked away and what calls for a confession? We asked dating experts to outline the rules for secret keeping (and sharing).
Dating Rule #1: Secrets You Must Spill
If you want a relationship grounded in mutual trust (and who doesn't?), certain issues require full disclosure. "If something has a chance of impacting your partner's future or his life with you, then he has a right to know about it," says Mira Kirshenbaum, a relationship expert and author of "Is He Mr. Right?" This includes anything from the past that has reverberations in the present (lingering debts, a chronic medical condition, past emotional abuse), and anything in the present that could affect the future (a health scare, a potential downsizing at work).
As many couples find out too late, when you keep a secret that profoundly affects your family, you face a double whammy when the secret eventually -- or inevitably -- implodes: After the first shock wave from the hidden truth rips through the family, you're hit with the secondary tremors that come from the resulting feelings of betrayal and distrust. "My husband was running a retail website, and he assured me it was doing well," recalls Karen, a 39-year-old mom of two. "I thought I could stay home with my children and not have to worry about making money myself." A year ago, however, Karen discovered that her husband's business was in the hole for more than $1 million, and he had taken out a line of credit against their house. The truth came out only when he announced that he would have to take an additional job. "I was furious!" Karen says. A year later, her family has begun recovering from the financial blow, but Karen is still dealing with her sense of hurt, anger, and betrayal.
When confronted with such a big, sudden revelation, it's natural to think, "Why didn't you tell me? I'm the one person on earth who is supposed to understand!" But the reasons men, in particular, keep secrets like these are multilayered, say the experts. They may, like Karen's husband, want to keep up an appearance of being strong and in control -- out of fear that you'll stop loving them if you see them in a different, vulnerable light. They may be loath to deal with the turbulence they know their secret will unleash. And yes, some men may just hope that silence will help them avoid a fight. "Men are wary of women's emotional reactivity and usually shy away from conflicts," says Redbook Love Network expert Scott Haltzman, M.D., author of "The Secrets of Happily Married Men." "They'll do anything to avoid making a woman furious, though they usually end up making things worse."
Even when your secret is something that seems minor to you, you must be open with your partner if it's related to a topic he's expressed curiosity or a strong opinion about. "As soon as you get serious with someone, sit down and ask him, 'Is there anything you want to know about me that I haven't told you yet?'" advises Redbook Love Network expert Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., author of "Getting the Love Your Want." It's a clear-the-air strategy even long-term couples can use. And as counterintuitive as this may sound, the more likely your partner is to freak out about your secret, the more important it is that you confess, Hendrix adds, because if the truth about a sensitive subject comes out later, the rupture could be even more serious. Not only does your partner need all of this information to be able to make informed decisions about your life together, he also needs to know that you trust him enough to share it. "If you don't tell your partner about something, then you're really saying he's not wise enough, generous enough, or loving enough to handle it," says Kirshenbaum. "And that can be deeply wounding."
Dating Rule #2: Secrets to Consider Spilling
If you're honest with yourself, then it's not too hard to figure out which secrets fall into the "Red Light! Stop and Spill Everything" category. But what about the ones -- especially those transgressions from your distant past -- that belong in the murkier "Slow Down and Think Before You Spill" zone? On the one hand, if some embarrassing episode from your history is long past and has no impact on your life today, you can consider keeping your lips sealed.
Here's another important factor when weighing whether or not to tell. Murphy's Law of love says that the less you want a secret to be revealed, the more likely it is to suddenly spring up in your relationship like a jack-in-the-box, shouting, "Gotcha!" So consider this: Are there any pictures floating around on the Internet that might give you away? Any friends who have a habit of telling your somewhat sordid old stories after a couple of mojitos? How about an ex-lover who could potentially reappear? If there's any way your partner might accidentally learn your secret, it's better that you do the telling first.
Coming clean about your romantic past is a worthy goal, but Kirshenbaum warns that you must tread carefully. "You don't need to give the exact number of previous lovers or endless details about what you did with them," she says. "There's absolutely no point in filling your partner's head with mental images that can't be deleted."
Dating Rule #3: Shhh! Secrets That Won't Kill Him
Sure, as a rule, honesty is the best policy. But anyone who's been in a long-term relationship knows that there is definitely some wiggle room when it comes to keeping a few personal tidbits to yourself, provided they are harmless and don't involve any outright lies. Maybe you earned a bonus and spent it all on a new leather jacket without telling him; or he listens to Howard Stern on the radio on his way to work and doesn't tell you. "Even when we're married, we still have private selves," says Kirshenbaum. "It's healthy to have a sense that this is my personal business and no one else's." In fact, keeping an innocent little part of yourself off-limits can add some spark to your relationship. If he knew every last detail about your life, what fun revelations could there possibly be in the future?
Some couples find that hanging a veil of secrecy over certain aspects of their lives helps make their marriages run much more smoothly. "For the first decade of our marriage, my husband and I fought over every purchase I made, from a bag of cleaning supplies to a new coat," says Laurel, 36. "Finally, I had this breakthrough: if he doesn't see a bill, he won't think about it! So now I use cash when I shop. If I want to buy a pair of shoes, and I can afford them, he doesn't have to know how much they cost. Believe me, everyone in the house is a lot happier now."
Just make sure you and your guy are on the same page. If you're both willing to trade complete candor for a bit of ignorance-is-bliss harmony, then there's no harm, and plenty of potential gain. But, Haltzman points out, this deal only works when it goes both ways. Don't harass him about the cost of his new camera lens if you don't want him to ask you the price of that new handbag -- and when it doesn't involve an area you are working on together, like a budget. "If your partner has expressed a desire to work cooperatively on something and you're still keeping information from him, then you've crossed that line," Haltzman says.
One clue that your secret is a healthy one: The evidence is usually hidden in plain sight. If your partner really wanted to know how much those shoes cost, he could notice the fancy label on the insole; if you really wanted to know what offensive radio show he was listening to, you could click on his preprogrammed radio stations next time you're in the car.
Some deceptions are just plain burdensome, often creating more anxiety and distress than coming clean ever would. "I agonized about my secret for the first several months I was dating my now husband," says Cathy, 41. "I'm 10 years older than he is, and I was sure he would dump me if he found out." Her day of reckoning came when they joined Paul's mother for dinner at a Chinese restaurant. "She looked on the place mat and said, 'I was born in the year of the monkey. Which year are you?'" Cathy steeled herself and told the truth, revealing her age. "I was sure my boyfriend would break up with me, but he just laughed and said he didn't think I was too old for him. He was worried that I would think he was too young for me!" Proof that the truth has a way of coming out -- and when you've got a partner you trust, it doesn't have to be so awful after all.
How to Spill a Secret
Here's the smart and sensitive way to tell your guy what you've been hiding:
Make an appointment. Don't just spring it on him. Say, "I have something important to discuss with you. Can we find an hour tonight to talk?"
Pick the right spot. Avoid spilling in a crowded public place, like a restaurant, or your bedroom, which should be reserved for positive experiences. Find a safe, neutral spot, like the den or a park.
Be prepared to apologize. "The big mistake is trying to make it seem as if the revelation is no big deal," says marriage counselor Mira Kirshenbaum. "You need to say, 'I'm sorry, there's something I should have told you a long time ago, but I was ashamed to tell you. I hope you'll forgive me.'"
Enlist a third party. A major reveal works best with a referee. Recruit a friend you both trust -- or in the case of the biggest bombshells, such as an affair, a marriage counselor.
But we live in the real world, where even the healthiest couples sometimes hide things from each other. To most of us, the secret to end all secrets (and many relationships) is an affair -- and no one will quibble with the devastating consequences of infidelity. Yet even "small" deceptions can rock a relationship, and it can be hard to draw the line between what's harmless and what's not.
So how to tell what can stay safely tucked away and what calls for a confession? We asked dating experts to outline the rules for secret keeping (and sharing).
Dating Rule #1: Secrets You Must Spill
If you want a relationship grounded in mutual trust (and who doesn't?), certain issues require full disclosure. "If something has a chance of impacting your partner's future or his life with you, then he has a right to know about it," says Mira Kirshenbaum, a relationship expert and author of "Is He Mr. Right?" This includes anything from the past that has reverberations in the present (lingering debts, a chronic medical condition, past emotional abuse), and anything in the present that could affect the future (a health scare, a potential downsizing at work).
As many couples find out too late, when you keep a secret that profoundly affects your family, you face a double whammy when the secret eventually -- or inevitably -- implodes: After the first shock wave from the hidden truth rips through the family, you're hit with the secondary tremors that come from the resulting feelings of betrayal and distrust. "My husband was running a retail website, and he assured me it was doing well," recalls Karen, a 39-year-old mom of two. "I thought I could stay home with my children and not have to worry about making money myself." A year ago, however, Karen discovered that her husband's business was in the hole for more than $1 million, and he had taken out a line of credit against their house. The truth came out only when he announced that he would have to take an additional job. "I was furious!" Karen says. A year later, her family has begun recovering from the financial blow, but Karen is still dealing with her sense of hurt, anger, and betrayal.
When confronted with such a big, sudden revelation, it's natural to think, "Why didn't you tell me? I'm the one person on earth who is supposed to understand!" But the reasons men, in particular, keep secrets like these are multilayered, say the experts. They may, like Karen's husband, want to keep up an appearance of being strong and in control -- out of fear that you'll stop loving them if you see them in a different, vulnerable light. They may be loath to deal with the turbulence they know their secret will unleash. And yes, some men may just hope that silence will help them avoid a fight. "Men are wary of women's emotional reactivity and usually shy away from conflicts," says Redbook Love Network expert Scott Haltzman, M.D., author of "The Secrets of Happily Married Men." "They'll do anything to avoid making a woman furious, though they usually end up making things worse."
Even when your secret is something that seems minor to you, you must be open with your partner if it's related to a topic he's expressed curiosity or a strong opinion about. "As soon as you get serious with someone, sit down and ask him, 'Is there anything you want to know about me that I haven't told you yet?'" advises Redbook Love Network expert Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., author of "Getting the Love Your Want." It's a clear-the-air strategy even long-term couples can use. And as counterintuitive as this may sound, the more likely your partner is to freak out about your secret, the more important it is that you confess, Hendrix adds, because if the truth about a sensitive subject comes out later, the rupture could be even more serious. Not only does your partner need all of this information to be able to make informed decisions about your life together, he also needs to know that you trust him enough to share it. "If you don't tell your partner about something, then you're really saying he's not wise enough, generous enough, or loving enough to handle it," says Kirshenbaum. "And that can be deeply wounding."
Dating Rule #2: Secrets to Consider Spilling
If you're honest with yourself, then it's not too hard to figure out which secrets fall into the "Red Light! Stop and Spill Everything" category. But what about the ones -- especially those transgressions from your distant past -- that belong in the murkier "Slow Down and Think Before You Spill" zone? On the one hand, if some embarrassing episode from your history is long past and has no impact on your life today, you can consider keeping your lips sealed.
Here's another important factor when weighing whether or not to tell. Murphy's Law of love says that the less you want a secret to be revealed, the more likely it is to suddenly spring up in your relationship like a jack-in-the-box, shouting, "Gotcha!" So consider this: Are there any pictures floating around on the Internet that might give you away? Any friends who have a habit of telling your somewhat sordid old stories after a couple of mojitos? How about an ex-lover who could potentially reappear? If there's any way your partner might accidentally learn your secret, it's better that you do the telling first.
Coming clean about your romantic past is a worthy goal, but Kirshenbaum warns that you must tread carefully. "You don't need to give the exact number of previous lovers or endless details about what you did with them," she says. "There's absolutely no point in filling your partner's head with mental images that can't be deleted."
Dating Rule #3: Shhh! Secrets That Won't Kill Him
Sure, as a rule, honesty is the best policy. But anyone who's been in a long-term relationship knows that there is definitely some wiggle room when it comes to keeping a few personal tidbits to yourself, provided they are harmless and don't involve any outright lies. Maybe you earned a bonus and spent it all on a new leather jacket without telling him; or he listens to Howard Stern on the radio on his way to work and doesn't tell you. "Even when we're married, we still have private selves," says Kirshenbaum. "It's healthy to have a sense that this is my personal business and no one else's." In fact, keeping an innocent little part of yourself off-limits can add some spark to your relationship. If he knew every last detail about your life, what fun revelations could there possibly be in the future?
Some couples find that hanging a veil of secrecy over certain aspects of their lives helps make their marriages run much more smoothly. "For the first decade of our marriage, my husband and I fought over every purchase I made, from a bag of cleaning supplies to a new coat," says Laurel, 36. "Finally, I had this breakthrough: if he doesn't see a bill, he won't think about it! So now I use cash when I shop. If I want to buy a pair of shoes, and I can afford them, he doesn't have to know how much they cost. Believe me, everyone in the house is a lot happier now."
Just make sure you and your guy are on the same page. If you're both willing to trade complete candor for a bit of ignorance-is-bliss harmony, then there's no harm, and plenty of potential gain. But, Haltzman points out, this deal only works when it goes both ways. Don't harass him about the cost of his new camera lens if you don't want him to ask you the price of that new handbag -- and when it doesn't involve an area you are working on together, like a budget. "If your partner has expressed a desire to work cooperatively on something and you're still keeping information from him, then you've crossed that line," Haltzman says.
One clue that your secret is a healthy one: The evidence is usually hidden in plain sight. If your partner really wanted to know how much those shoes cost, he could notice the fancy label on the insole; if you really wanted to know what offensive radio show he was listening to, you could click on his preprogrammed radio stations next time you're in the car.
Some deceptions are just plain burdensome, often creating more anxiety and distress than coming clean ever would. "I agonized about my secret for the first several months I was dating my now husband," says Cathy, 41. "I'm 10 years older than he is, and I was sure he would dump me if he found out." Her day of reckoning came when they joined Paul's mother for dinner at a Chinese restaurant. "She looked on the place mat and said, 'I was born in the year of the monkey. Which year are you?'" Cathy steeled herself and told the truth, revealing her age. "I was sure my boyfriend would break up with me, but he just laughed and said he didn't think I was too old for him. He was worried that I would think he was too young for me!" Proof that the truth has a way of coming out -- and when you've got a partner you trust, it doesn't have to be so awful after all.
How to Spill a Secret
Here's the smart and sensitive way to tell your guy what you've been hiding:
Make an appointment. Don't just spring it on him. Say, "I have something important to discuss with you. Can we find an hour tonight to talk?"
Pick the right spot. Avoid spilling in a crowded public place, like a restaurant, or your bedroom, which should be reserved for positive experiences. Find a safe, neutral spot, like the den or a park.
Be prepared to apologize. "The big mistake is trying to make it seem as if the revelation is no big deal," says marriage counselor Mira Kirshenbaum. "You need to say, 'I'm sorry, there's something I should have told you a long time ago, but I was ashamed to tell you. I hope you'll forgive me.'"
Enlist a third party. A major reveal works best with a referee. Recruit a friend you both trust -- or in the case of the biggest bombshells, such as an affair, a marriage counselor.
Monday, November 29, 2010
WOMEN WHO AREN'T MARRIAGE MATERIAL
Let's face it. When it comes to relationships, convincing a man to commit is usually harder than convincing a woman to commit -- especially when we're talking about marriage. To help explain why that is, I came up with six types of single women who -- instead of encouraging guys to come closer -- possess traits that encourage men to stay single. For those of you who identify with these types, I've included a few tips on how to change your ways -- and attract that special someone you've been seeking.
#1. The "Guy-Friend Girl"
You have friends of the opposite sex. There's nothing wrong with that, except you may neglect opportunities to connect with other women. This is a red flag for men, because we identify the "guy-friend girl" as someone dependent on flirtation to maintain friendships. An inability to create genuine relationships with women indicates, to us, that you have an insatiable desire for attention from men -- that you need them to boost your sense of self-worth. Why would a man even try to win over your affection, when attention from one man probably won't be enough for you?
By bonding with women you can confide in, you'll avoid being labeled this bachelorette type and free yourself from the endless cycle of petty flirtation.
#2. The Intimidator
You may gain points for getting an MBA from Harvard, or for earning a six-figure salary. Sure, these show off your brain power and financial independence, but they may have also gone to your head. You're uncompromising, and you lean towards forgiving yourself more than forgiving others. Don't get me wrong: There's no problem with having high standards for the man you want to marry. You, however, hold a degree in nitpicking and finding flaws. You tend to hide every ounce of vulnerability inside.
If you think you fit this bill, you may have missed the point of a lifelong partnership. Marriage is about two people growing together -- not a woman owning a man. When men look for the one they want to marry, they aren't searching for the thrill of capturing the domineering vixen who sneers at the simpletons daring to woo her.
“Guys go for the girl who gives them the benefit of the doubt”
Guys go for the girl who gives them the benefit of the doubt instead of instantly judging them. Sure, it's fine to know what you want and to pat yourself on the back for your achievements. At the same time, you shouldn't let your independence and success over inflate your ego.
#3. The Materialist
How many handbags do you need? Let's be honest: If you don't comprehend the word "budget," and if it takes hours for you to count your pairs of shoes, then you're guaranteed to scare away any sensible bachelor. Your only hope? Players who want a trophy wife -- or changing your perspective on life by concentrating on a new mantra: Living beyond your means is never cool. (Suze Orman can explain this better.)
We all want to enjoy the finer things in life, but hoisting your self-esteem onto a huge mound of credit-card debt is plain irresponsible. Sure, many men may like stylish women with refined taste, but overwhelming yourself with extravagance is a sure sign of an unfulfilled psyche and an unhealthy fixation on possessions.
#4. The Family Downer
Sharing a round of laughs about your boyfriend's quirky brother can be a bonding experience. On the other hand, flat-out criticizing or insulting a family member is a no-no. Call me what you will, but when it comes to commenting on my family, showing a little respect is a dating requirement.
Here's how to keep your negative opinions about your potential in-laws at bay: Let him ridicule his family first. If he encourages you to join in, feel free to do so. Without this precursor, choose to vent your thoughts to someone who won't divulge it to him.
#5. The Clinger
Sure, sharing quality time with your partner should rank high on your list of fun activities. But craving too much couple time can make you look needy, and can even move your relationship into distress mode. Spending every second together goes beyond counter-intuitive; it's an indication of naivete. Even if you want the intimacy of constantly experiencing life together, it's important to realize that constant coupledom is just a fantasy. You'll never merge into one being, and you'll both always be your own individual. Every happily married couple knows this well.
The "clinger" solution is simple: Understand that your mate has hobbies you don't, and might never, have an affinity for -- and vice versa. Fit in the occasional time away from each other. He'll respect you for it. If you don't, he might schedule a permanent break from you.
#6. The Pet Fanatic
I have nothing against pets; in fact, I have a few of my own. Now that I've stated my disclaimer, let's continue.
Caring for pets has been proven to enhance people's lives, especially singles. Nevertheless, hoarding and obsessing over a dozen animals that turn your tiny apartment into a cesspool of fur and dander tells men that you'd rather hang out with pets than with humans.
Remember: No matter how many pets you have, they're simply no substitute for the human interaction you crave. Yes, animals can help fill the void, but overindulging in pet ownership is the same as spraying yourself with man-repellant.
To help assess where you stand on this list of types, ask your friends for input. You'll gain insight on how others view you -- and on how to improve your chances of attracting a guy you can truly share your life with.
#1. The "Guy-Friend Girl"
You have friends of the opposite sex. There's nothing wrong with that, except you may neglect opportunities to connect with other women. This is a red flag for men, because we identify the "guy-friend girl" as someone dependent on flirtation to maintain friendships. An inability to create genuine relationships with women indicates, to us, that you have an insatiable desire for attention from men -- that you need them to boost your sense of self-worth. Why would a man even try to win over your affection, when attention from one man probably won't be enough for you?
By bonding with women you can confide in, you'll avoid being labeled this bachelorette type and free yourself from the endless cycle of petty flirtation.
#2. The Intimidator
You may gain points for getting an MBA from Harvard, or for earning a six-figure salary. Sure, these show off your brain power and financial independence, but they may have also gone to your head. You're uncompromising, and you lean towards forgiving yourself more than forgiving others. Don't get me wrong: There's no problem with having high standards for the man you want to marry. You, however, hold a degree in nitpicking and finding flaws. You tend to hide every ounce of vulnerability inside.
If you think you fit this bill, you may have missed the point of a lifelong partnership. Marriage is about two people growing together -- not a woman owning a man. When men look for the one they want to marry, they aren't searching for the thrill of capturing the domineering vixen who sneers at the simpletons daring to woo her.
“Guys go for the girl who gives them the benefit of the doubt”
Guys go for the girl who gives them the benefit of the doubt instead of instantly judging them. Sure, it's fine to know what you want and to pat yourself on the back for your achievements. At the same time, you shouldn't let your independence and success over inflate your ego.
#3. The Materialist
How many handbags do you need? Let's be honest: If you don't comprehend the word "budget," and if it takes hours for you to count your pairs of shoes, then you're guaranteed to scare away any sensible bachelor. Your only hope? Players who want a trophy wife -- or changing your perspective on life by concentrating on a new mantra: Living beyond your means is never cool. (Suze Orman can explain this better.)
We all want to enjoy the finer things in life, but hoisting your self-esteem onto a huge mound of credit-card debt is plain irresponsible. Sure, many men may like stylish women with refined taste, but overwhelming yourself with extravagance is a sure sign of an unfulfilled psyche and an unhealthy fixation on possessions.
#4. The Family Downer
Sharing a round of laughs about your boyfriend's quirky brother can be a bonding experience. On the other hand, flat-out criticizing or insulting a family member is a no-no. Call me what you will, but when it comes to commenting on my family, showing a little respect is a dating requirement.
Here's how to keep your negative opinions about your potential in-laws at bay: Let him ridicule his family first. If he encourages you to join in, feel free to do so. Without this precursor, choose to vent your thoughts to someone who won't divulge it to him.
#5. The Clinger
Sure, sharing quality time with your partner should rank high on your list of fun activities. But craving too much couple time can make you look needy, and can even move your relationship into distress mode. Spending every second together goes beyond counter-intuitive; it's an indication of naivete. Even if you want the intimacy of constantly experiencing life together, it's important to realize that constant coupledom is just a fantasy. You'll never merge into one being, and you'll both always be your own individual. Every happily married couple knows this well.
The "clinger" solution is simple: Understand that your mate has hobbies you don't, and might never, have an affinity for -- and vice versa. Fit in the occasional time away from each other. He'll respect you for it. If you don't, he might schedule a permanent break from you.
#6. The Pet Fanatic
I have nothing against pets; in fact, I have a few of my own. Now that I've stated my disclaimer, let's continue.
Caring for pets has been proven to enhance people's lives, especially singles. Nevertheless, hoarding and obsessing over a dozen animals that turn your tiny apartment into a cesspool of fur and dander tells men that you'd rather hang out with pets than with humans.
Remember: No matter how many pets you have, they're simply no substitute for the human interaction you crave. Yes, animals can help fill the void, but overindulging in pet ownership is the same as spraying yourself with man-repellant.
To help assess where you stand on this list of types, ask your friends for input. You'll gain insight on how others view you -- and on how to improve your chances of attracting a guy you can truly share your life with.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
HOW TO TELL IF YOU ARE READY TO COMMIT
There is something exhilarating about taking the big leap from dating to becoming a permanent "item" and making that final commitment. But before you run off into the sunset with your mate, make sure that the time you choose to commit is the right time -- and with the right person.
I have found over the years that most couples who wind up splitting do so because there are discrepancies or control issues over what I term the "Big Six." These six categories include: wealth/property and money; children; health, physical and mental; growth, professional and personal; intimacy and loss of love; and fear, both physical and emotional.
Have you found the right person? Is it the right time? Here are eight key questions to ask your mate -- and yourself. The answers will be very telling.
1. How do you believe we should spend our money and on what? If your mate says, "On fun stuff and we'll get to the bills later," you better reconsider going the commitment route until your mate grows up a bit. Most marriages and long-term relationships break up due to stresses and squabbles over money. Splits happen when a couple's values in spending and saving simply do not match. Don't overlook this question. It is critical in determining whether you or your mate are a match and whether you are both ready for a mature relationship -- one that requires fiscal responsibility.
2. What are your thoughts about starting a family? If your mate says, "This is not something I can even think about right now," do not ignore that remark. It could be that your mate will put this decision off longer than you wish or one day stand up and announce, "I've decided against having children." You also need to be honest with yourself. Do you want children? Let your mate know this up front. You may also want to ask your mate about his/her point of view on how the children should be raised. If there are huge discrepancies in this department, there are bound to be serious problems down the road.
3. If I get sick, how will you take care of me? If your mate laughs off such a question with, "How do I know? I'll figure it out then," you should take that offhanded remark as a serious indicator that your mate might not be grown up enough to handle your critical needs. There is a way to test this one: How does your mate treat you when you get sick with the flu? Also, if you know deep down that you would not have the patience or fortitude to care for an ailing mate, be fair and let him/her know of your concerns. Who needs someone in his/her life who is only there for the good times?
4. Do you envision us growing old together? If your mate quips, "How the heck do I know, that is a long way off" or "I guess so," neither answer should satisfy you. To suggest that you or your mate is uncertain of your eventual fate together -- or cannot envision those "golden" years as a couple -- should be a neon sign with bright red lights that flash, "This may only be temporary." Commitments should be thought of as permanent, not temporary.
5. Do you ever think about your ex? If the answer from your mate is "Well, I do sometimes," then you want to ask the next question: "In what context?" If your mate shares stories about the fun they used to have together, this could mean your mate is not over his or her last love. And what about you? Do you still think about your ex? When? How? I highly recommend backing off the commitment stage until you and your mate can safely say that thoughts about your exes are fleeting or random.
6. Has your mate ever told you they scared a former mate in any way? If your mate's answer is something like "Well, yeah, I scared my ex every time I became jealous or mad," step back and think twice. Though your mate may think he/she is ready for a commitment, it may not be the right time for one. If you have had similar issues, the same may apply to you. Are you worried your mate might cheat on you or keep secrets from you or inflict emotional or physical harm on you? If the answer is yes, tackle this now, not after you have made a commitment. Maybe you or your mate could benefit from therapy, anger management, rehab, or other appropriate behavior modification assistance.
7. Is your mate good at problem solving? Does your mate meet challenges head on and collaborate on solutions to problems, or sweep issues under the rug? What about you? Are you mature enough to approach your mate to say, "We have a problem. Let's find a solution to it." How you handle problems together may well determine how long your relationship will last.
8. How does my mate deal with a "screw up?" Does my mate place blame? Does my mate take responsibility for his/her actions? How do I handle my mistakes? Do we both acknowledge our errors and resolve to deal with them? If chronic, negative behavior persists in this area, take a second look to decide if you two are a good match and if you are ready to commit. It is not unusual, for instance, to have each partner blame the other, which rarely accomplishes anything. Placing blame, or finding fault, can only worsen once you are committed.
I have found over the years that most couples who wind up splitting do so because there are discrepancies or control issues over what I term the "Big Six." These six categories include: wealth/property and money; children; health, physical and mental; growth, professional and personal; intimacy and loss of love; and fear, both physical and emotional.
Have you found the right person? Is it the right time? Here are eight key questions to ask your mate -- and yourself. The answers will be very telling.
1. How do you believe we should spend our money and on what? If your mate says, "On fun stuff and we'll get to the bills later," you better reconsider going the commitment route until your mate grows up a bit. Most marriages and long-term relationships break up due to stresses and squabbles over money. Splits happen when a couple's values in spending and saving simply do not match. Don't overlook this question. It is critical in determining whether you or your mate are a match and whether you are both ready for a mature relationship -- one that requires fiscal responsibility.
2. What are your thoughts about starting a family? If your mate says, "This is not something I can even think about right now," do not ignore that remark. It could be that your mate will put this decision off longer than you wish or one day stand up and announce, "I've decided against having children." You also need to be honest with yourself. Do you want children? Let your mate know this up front. You may also want to ask your mate about his/her point of view on how the children should be raised. If there are huge discrepancies in this department, there are bound to be serious problems down the road.
3. If I get sick, how will you take care of me? If your mate laughs off such a question with, "How do I know? I'll figure it out then," you should take that offhanded remark as a serious indicator that your mate might not be grown up enough to handle your critical needs. There is a way to test this one: How does your mate treat you when you get sick with the flu? Also, if you know deep down that you would not have the patience or fortitude to care for an ailing mate, be fair and let him/her know of your concerns. Who needs someone in his/her life who is only there for the good times?
4. Do you envision us growing old together? If your mate quips, "How the heck do I know, that is a long way off" or "I guess so," neither answer should satisfy you. To suggest that you or your mate is uncertain of your eventual fate together -- or cannot envision those "golden" years as a couple -- should be a neon sign with bright red lights that flash, "This may only be temporary." Commitments should be thought of as permanent, not temporary.
5. Do you ever think about your ex? If the answer from your mate is "Well, I do sometimes," then you want to ask the next question: "In what context?" If your mate shares stories about the fun they used to have together, this could mean your mate is not over his or her last love. And what about you? Do you still think about your ex? When? How? I highly recommend backing off the commitment stage until you and your mate can safely say that thoughts about your exes are fleeting or random.
6. Has your mate ever told you they scared a former mate in any way? If your mate's answer is something like "Well, yeah, I scared my ex every time I became jealous or mad," step back and think twice. Though your mate may think he/she is ready for a commitment, it may not be the right time for one. If you have had similar issues, the same may apply to you. Are you worried your mate might cheat on you or keep secrets from you or inflict emotional or physical harm on you? If the answer is yes, tackle this now, not after you have made a commitment. Maybe you or your mate could benefit from therapy, anger management, rehab, or other appropriate behavior modification assistance.
7. Is your mate good at problem solving? Does your mate meet challenges head on and collaborate on solutions to problems, or sweep issues under the rug? What about you? Are you mature enough to approach your mate to say, "We have a problem. Let's find a solution to it." How you handle problems together may well determine how long your relationship will last.
8. How does my mate deal with a "screw up?" Does my mate place blame? Does my mate take responsibility for his/her actions? How do I handle my mistakes? Do we both acknowledge our errors and resolve to deal with them? If chronic, negative behavior persists in this area, take a second look to decide if you two are a good match and if you are ready to commit. It is not unusual, for instance, to have each partner blame the other, which rarely accomplishes anything. Placing blame, or finding fault, can only worsen once you are committed.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
HE WAS WALKING HER HOME BY MARK SCHULTZ (Beautiful Story)
Looking back
He sees it all
It was her first date the night he came to call
Her dad said son
Have her home on time
And promise me you'll never leave her side
He took her to a show in town
And he was ten feet off the ground
(Chorus)
*As* he was walking her home
And holding her hand
Oh the way she smiled it stole the breath right out of him
Down that old road
With the stars up above
He remembers where he was the night he fell in love
He was walking her home
Ten more years and a waiting room
At half past one
*So when the* doctor said come in and meet your son
His knees went weak
When he saw his wife
She was smiling as she said he's got your eyes
And as she slept he held her tight
His mind went back to that first night
(Chorus)
He walked her through the best days of her life
Sixty years together and he never left her side
A nursing home
At eighty-five
And the doctor said it could be her last night
And the nurse said Oh
Should we tell him now
Or should he wait until the morning to find out
But when they checked her room that night
He was laying by her side
Oh he was walking her home
And holding her hand
Oh the way she smiled when he said this is not the end
And just for a while they were eighteen
And she was still more beautiful to him than anything
He was walking her home
He was walking her home
Looking back
He sees it all
It was her first date the night he came to call
He sees it all
It was her first date the night he came to call
Her dad said son
Have her home on time
And promise me you'll never leave her side
He took her to a show in town
And he was ten feet off the ground
(Chorus)
*As* he was walking her home
And holding her hand
Oh the way she smiled it stole the breath right out of him
Down that old road
With the stars up above
He remembers where he was the night he fell in love
He was walking her home
Ten more years and a waiting room
At half past one
*So when the* doctor said come in and meet your son
His knees went weak
When he saw his wife
She was smiling as she said he's got your eyes
And as she slept he held her tight
His mind went back to that first night
(Chorus)
He walked her through the best days of her life
Sixty years together and he never left her side
A nursing home
At eighty-five
And the doctor said it could be her last night
And the nurse said Oh
Should we tell him now
Or should he wait until the morning to find out
But when they checked her room that night
He was laying by her side
Oh he was walking her home
And holding her hand
Oh the way she smiled when he said this is not the end
And just for a while they were eighteen
And she was still more beautiful to him than anything
He was walking her home
He was walking her home
Looking back
He sees it all
It was her first date the night he came to call
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
10 SIGNS HE'S NOT THE ONE
Some people say they "just knew" that they were dating their future spouse. But what about the rest of us? What happens when you're not sure if he's The One? If you're considering long-term commitment or marriage, it's time to ask yourself some tough questions. Below, 10 signs that may indicate he's not for you.
1. You have a list of things he needs to stop doing/saying/wearing if he wants your relationship to work. If you're fixating on his flaws, he's either not the one you want or you're not ready for a serious relationship. Cutting him loose allows you time to grow and gives you the opportunity to meet a guy whose flaws you can embrace -- or at least accept.
2. You don't trust him. A small dose of jealousy can be healthy, but if you're hacking into his email account, and going berserk when he goes out without you, something's wrong. If there's something about him that truly warrants your distrust, then perhaps he's not the right one for you.
3. You avoid conflict at any cost. Fighting is healthy. And, when done right (in the non-accusatory, rational sort of way), it can be a great way to air grievances, fix problems in your relationship, and come to a deeper understanding of each other. Ignoring problems is not the same as having no problems at all... even if it looks that way.
4. When you're sad, you don't turn to him for comfort. When you're a giant ball of tears and snot, do you lock yourself into the bathroom so he can't see you at your worst? If you're worried about scaring him away, one of you isn't ready for total commitment. Mr. Right should make you smile through your tears and be a calming, not stressful, presence.
5. One of you is struggling with an addiction. He's sweet. He's exciting. He loves you very much. But he loves his alcohol habit or his weekly gambling fix more. Don't fool yourself into thinking that you can change him or that your relationship will be strong enough to withstand the heartache that addiction will inevitably bring. An addict may be able to change, but he'll do so on his own terms.
6. You can't really imagine him as the father of your children. Ask yourself: Would he make a great parent? Is he financially responsible? Would he be an equal partner in your future together? If you have doubts, he's probably not the one.
7. Your long-term, non-negotiable goals in life are incompatible. You want kids; he doesn't. You go to church every week; he's an atheist. He lives in the country and doesn't want to move; you can't imagine ever leaving the city. Superficial differences can be overcome, but differences in basic values are harder to smooth over. Ask yourself: "Would I be willing to compromise on this?" If the answer is absolutely not, you may not be right for each other.
8. You don't respect each other. He puts you down in front of your friends and complains about you to his parents. You roll your eyes when he talks because there's just something about him that embarrasses you. A relationship without respect can't sustain itself.
9. You're not attracted to him. Physical intimacy is a hugely important component of a romantic relationship. If he doesn't do it for you, he's probably not your best long-term match.
10. On paper he seems great, but you have this strange feeling... Don't ignore your gut. You may get along on a superficial level, but if your instincts are telling you he's not the one for you, listen. That little voice inside your head does not lie.
1. You have a list of things he needs to stop doing/saying/wearing if he wants your relationship to work. If you're fixating on his flaws, he's either not the one you want or you're not ready for a serious relationship. Cutting him loose allows you time to grow and gives you the opportunity to meet a guy whose flaws you can embrace -- or at least accept.
2. You don't trust him. A small dose of jealousy can be healthy, but if you're hacking into his email account, and going berserk when he goes out without you, something's wrong. If there's something about him that truly warrants your distrust, then perhaps he's not the right one for you.
3. You avoid conflict at any cost. Fighting is healthy. And, when done right (in the non-accusatory, rational sort of way), it can be a great way to air grievances, fix problems in your relationship, and come to a deeper understanding of each other. Ignoring problems is not the same as having no problems at all... even if it looks that way.
4. When you're sad, you don't turn to him for comfort. When you're a giant ball of tears and snot, do you lock yourself into the bathroom so he can't see you at your worst? If you're worried about scaring him away, one of you isn't ready for total commitment. Mr. Right should make you smile through your tears and be a calming, not stressful, presence.
5. One of you is struggling with an addiction. He's sweet. He's exciting. He loves you very much. But he loves his alcohol habit or his weekly gambling fix more. Don't fool yourself into thinking that you can change him or that your relationship will be strong enough to withstand the heartache that addiction will inevitably bring. An addict may be able to change, but he'll do so on his own terms.
6. You can't really imagine him as the father of your children. Ask yourself: Would he make a great parent? Is he financially responsible? Would he be an equal partner in your future together? If you have doubts, he's probably not the one.
7. Your long-term, non-negotiable goals in life are incompatible. You want kids; he doesn't. You go to church every week; he's an atheist. He lives in the country and doesn't want to move; you can't imagine ever leaving the city. Superficial differences can be overcome, but differences in basic values are harder to smooth over. Ask yourself: "Would I be willing to compromise on this?" If the answer is absolutely not, you may not be right for each other.
8. You don't respect each other. He puts you down in front of your friends and complains about you to his parents. You roll your eyes when he talks because there's just something about him that embarrasses you. A relationship without respect can't sustain itself.
9. You're not attracted to him. Physical intimacy is a hugely important component of a romantic relationship. If he doesn't do it for you, he's probably not your best long-term match.
10. On paper he seems great, but you have this strange feeling... Don't ignore your gut. You may get along on a superficial level, but if your instincts are telling you he's not the one for you, listen. That little voice inside your head does not lie.
Friday, November 19, 2010
21st Century Parenting
When some parents throw lavish parties for their very young children, give in to their every whim and let them live as they please (exposing them to the dangers of worldly living) all in the name of giving them the best of what life has to offer, I can't but wonder what goes on in their heads. I mean for a child who is completely oblivious of his surroundings and will never remember his/her birthday (who remembers their first birthdays anyway) means that it's all about the parents showing off at the end of the day.
Does spoiling a child silly prove that you love them? On the contrary it's your inability to love that makes you spoil them because when a child is being spoiled, the child is given exactly what he/she doesn't need. Otherwise explain how too much sweets, too many toys, too much television, too much junk food, video games, indecent dressing, cartoons and other forms of unproductive engagements (which are the exact opposites of what any human being needs not to mention children) can mean you love your child. Where is the love in that?
If parents keep up with this 21st century system of parenting (which is nothing short of wicked and selfish) the result in the long run will be a generation of children who (when they become adults) may have lived privileged lives but won't be fully equipped enough to LIVE in the real world because truth be told someday they will have to have to slug it out on their own and without the right foundation......, Enough said.
If God the creator of the universe and all that is in, it including us, could chastise us in manners that please Him all because of His love for us (because real love must be tough), why should it be different with how we raise our children?
How can parents be quick to forget that children are not just human beings but souls that have been placed in their custody?If parents knew they would have to account for the soul of each child that was placed in their keeping not just to be pampered but to be returned back to their creator, maybe they would have a rethink.Because truth be told be told, if your child doesn't make it back, U WON'T EITHER, PERIOD!!
I'm not saying children should not be enjoy some privileges at all or parents should treat them like soldiers in the battle field but MODERATION should be the key word and EXCESS should not be the key word. If they don't need it they can't have it. Which leads to the following questions: How much entertainment can they enjoy? How much freedom? How much money? How much restriction? When is the right time to buy your child a phone? Should you monitor what they watch? How do they behave at outings and public places?
If they don't know the value of not having something and can't appreciate what they have, then they can't have it.If they don't know what it's like to be in car without air - conditioning or can't sleep without power, if they must have it because this person's mummy bought it for this person, if they can watch TV for 18 hours a day and know the names of all the cartoons including the ones still being made, if they brag amongst their friends of which countries they've visited and how they fly only first class, if they don't greet their elders etc, then there is a definitely a problem.
I for one (and a number of my peers) grew up in a structured environment. I got home after school, ate my lunch and prepared for my compulsory siesta. After waking, homework was done under my mum's supervision and next was play time with 1hour of television. Evening time came with a compulsory bath (with threats), dinner and bed time was nine. That shaped me a whole lot into the person I am today and definitely prepared me for the rigors of boarding school (away from family and my comfort zone) and most times uncomfortable living conditions. So I can adapt to any situation really.
It's obvious that today's parents have to work longer hours everyday to keep the family and so always suffer time constraints. But ......... it's all about sacrifice isn't it? Should your children be made to suffer for that? Besides there's always enough time for yourself somehow and remember work has been in existence since the creation of man so it's all about management. Besides they are your children, so enough said.
There's definitely been an erosion of values, culture and tradition all because we've given into satan's manipulations. The family has long been under the preying eyes of satan because it's the beginning of the domestic church. So he knows just what to do to ruin the family (compare divorce and abortion statistics).So parents need to be alert and watchful always because we seem to be losing the battle because we are losing the family.
Marriage and parenting are religious vocations in their own right because they have salvific qualities meaning it can help you make Heaven if followed according to God's will because that was the original plan as it was in the beginning. So I believe it's not over yet. Something can still be done and it starts with us as single units before we make that commitment. People shouldn't want to marry because of age or parents or society's stigmatization( which are part of satan's manipulative tactics too) but because they've been called to do so. That way we can be sure of more marriages with stronger spiritual foundations and children that will be raised in the ways of God.
Does spoiling a child silly prove that you love them? On the contrary it's your inability to love that makes you spoil them because when a child is being spoiled, the child is given exactly what he/she doesn't need. Otherwise explain how too much sweets, too many toys, too much television, too much junk food, video games, indecent dressing, cartoons and other forms of unproductive engagements (which are the exact opposites of what any human being needs not to mention children) can mean you love your child. Where is the love in that?
If parents keep up with this 21st century system of parenting (which is nothing short of wicked and selfish) the result in the long run will be a generation of children who (when they become adults) may have lived privileged lives but won't be fully equipped enough to LIVE in the real world because truth be told someday they will have to have to slug it out on their own and without the right foundation......, Enough said.
If God the creator of the universe and all that is in, it including us, could chastise us in manners that please Him all because of His love for us (because real love must be tough), why should it be different with how we raise our children?
How can parents be quick to forget that children are not just human beings but souls that have been placed in their custody?If parents knew they would have to account for the soul of each child that was placed in their keeping not just to be pampered but to be returned back to their creator, maybe they would have a rethink.Because truth be told be told, if your child doesn't make it back, U WON'T EITHER, PERIOD!!
I'm not saying children should not be enjoy some privileges at all or parents should treat them like soldiers in the battle field but MODERATION should be the key word and EXCESS should not be the key word. If they don't need it they can't have it. Which leads to the following questions: How much entertainment can they enjoy? How much freedom? How much money? How much restriction? When is the right time to buy your child a phone? Should you monitor what they watch? How do they behave at outings and public places?
If they don't know the value of not having something and can't appreciate what they have, then they can't have it.If they don't know what it's like to be in car without air - conditioning or can't sleep without power, if they must have it because this person's mummy bought it for this person, if they can watch TV for 18 hours a day and know the names of all the cartoons including the ones still being made, if they brag amongst their friends of which countries they've visited and how they fly only first class, if they don't greet their elders etc, then there is a definitely a problem.
I for one (and a number of my peers) grew up in a structured environment. I got home after school, ate my lunch and prepared for my compulsory siesta. After waking, homework was done under my mum's supervision and next was play time with 1hour of television. Evening time came with a compulsory bath (with threats), dinner and bed time was nine. That shaped me a whole lot into the person I am today and definitely prepared me for the rigors of boarding school (away from family and my comfort zone) and most times uncomfortable living conditions. So I can adapt to any situation really.
It's obvious that today's parents have to work longer hours everyday to keep the family and so always suffer time constraints. But ......... it's all about sacrifice isn't it? Should your children be made to suffer for that? Besides there's always enough time for yourself somehow and remember work has been in existence since the creation of man so it's all about management. Besides they are your children, so enough said.
There's definitely been an erosion of values, culture and tradition all because we've given into satan's manipulations. The family has long been under the preying eyes of satan because it's the beginning of the domestic church. So he knows just what to do to ruin the family (compare divorce and abortion statistics).So parents need to be alert and watchful always because we seem to be losing the battle because we are losing the family.
Marriage and parenting are religious vocations in their own right because they have salvific qualities meaning it can help you make Heaven if followed according to God's will because that was the original plan as it was in the beginning. So I believe it's not over yet. Something can still be done and it starts with us as single units before we make that commitment. People shouldn't want to marry because of age or parents or society's stigmatization( which are part of satan's manipulative tactics too) but because they've been called to do so. That way we can be sure of more marriages with stronger spiritual foundations and children that will be raised in the ways of God.
Monday, November 15, 2010
THE NUMBER ONE THING TO LOOK FOR IN A PARTNER
Are you prioritizing finding a partner who is sexy, smart, charismatic, successful-in-their-field right now? If so, Charles Manson, Ted Bundy and Mussolini fit your bill—but trust me, that doesn't mean you should date or marry them.
In my book Prince Harming Syndrome, I share an article from The New York Times about the psychology of evil which included "The Psychopath Checklist." Criminal psychiatrists use this helpful list use to test the potential of someone being a hardcore psychopath, capable of committing repeated evil and violent crimes.
• Guess which traits psychopaths share?
• Glibness
• Extreme charisma
• Need to always be doing something
• Feelings of high self-worth
• Pathological lying
• Proneness to boredom
• Emotional unavailability
To my amusement, all these adjectives also described my now ex-Prince Harming boyfriend, who was an adorably charismatic, fun, active, confident guy. But in the end, he turned out to be a two-faced cheater.
The Love Lesson Learned
What's the love lesson learned? One of the top traits to look for in a partner is an appealingly strong character.
Think about it for a moment. Good character values not only come in handy on a day-to-day basis, but during those eventual, inevitable times of conflict.
If you and your partner do not value putting in the effort of acting with strong character values during times of disagreement, disappointment, stress, crisis, temptation, sadness, monetary-challenges, illness, vulnerability, misunderstandings—then your relationship will always suffer!
Indeed, John Gottman, the famed psychologist and researcher who runs The Love Lab, says he can predict how long a couple will last, not by studying how well a couple gets along, but by studying how well a couple doesn't get along. A relationship is only as strong as its weakest link— how a couple handles their challenges.
The good news: If you're involved in what my favorite philosopher buddy Aristotle called a "Relationship of Shared Virtue"—you will both want to deal with conflict by facing up to it with "strong character values" and viewing it as "a laboratory for growth."
Basically, you must accept right here—right now—if you are going to be in happily ever after love, then your relationship must have a duo function.
2 Keys to a Happily-Ever-After Love Relationship
1. "Den of pleasure"—for fun, companionship, sex, laughter, etc. which you as a human need—so you can keep your soul alive with passion!
2. "Laboratory for growth"—the ultimate place of challenge for your soul to be nurtured to grow—where you inspire one another's "character development"—so you can both grow into your most esteemed selves - which is what Aristotle put forth was what true happiness was all about!
Unfortunately, many people solely view a relationship as a place to experience pleasure—leaving out the soul-ly aspects of love—where you nurture each other to grow!
In fact, when I ask the women I coach to describe what they're looking for in a partner, they always start off listing sexiness, funniness, smartness and wealthiness! But these are all personality traits—and pleasures of the body and ego —not character values which nurture the soul/core self.
If you want to "live happily ever after in love" you must prioritize finding a man who:
1. Values growing as a person
2. Truly understands a relationship serves the double function of "den of pleasure" and "laboratory for growth"
After all, if your partner doesn't value growth, he won't be ready to deal with non-fun, inevitable conflicts in a high integrity way. As a result, when those aforementioned disagreements, disappointments, stresses, crises, temptations, sadnesses, monetary-challenges, illnesses, vulnerabilities and misunderstandings arise, your relationship will suffer. Or worse, your partner will run for the hills—end of story, end of relationship!
Getting to Know a Guy's Character
You know what's funny? How we all know that embracing strong character values really does matter in life and love. Yet, our world mostly offers relationship tips like:
"Buy these sexy clothes!""Be more successful!"
"Tighten your buns!"
Nobody ever comes out and says:
"Yo! Value good strong character values in yourself and others!"
Isn't that weird? I suppose that's because it takes more time, effort and patience to work on strengthening one's character values—and to truly understand another person's inner character—than it does to quickly buy a superficial new sexy outfit, or share a leisurely romantic candlelit dinner. Hence why you must prioritize getting to know a guy's inner character up-front—before you drop your guards—or even your panties. Yes, if you want to live happily ever after with a man, it's essential you prioritize strong character values over strong biceps.
Size Does Matter! Look for a Guy with a Really Big Heart
Remember: It's called "finding a soul mate" not "finding an ego mate"! And if you're going to connect soul to soul, you must take the time to see your partner's soul and feel safe enough to reveal your own soul. For this feeling of safety to occur, you must trust your partner's integrity. Take the time to find out if your partner values embracing empathy, listening, direct communication, honesty, loyalty and growth. After all, a guy's character will always be the determinant behind his choosing to be naughty or nice—thereby making you feel sad or happy.
Think about all those fabulous Prince Charmings in fairy tales. What makes a Prince Charming truly "Princely"? Prince Charmings are made of good strong character fiber! They're noble, kind and generous with good deeds. Plus, they support a Princess in becoming liberated, so she can venture forth to become her fullest royal potential.
Meanwhile, evil Prince Harmings are just as good-looking, rich and charismatic as Prince Charmings. A Prince Harming's huge difference is the one spotted within his spotty character! Prince Harmings suffer from major character defects which create scenarios to torture and imprison a Princess.
Meaning? Although you might feel as if you're experiencing love at first sight with a Prince Harming, what you're really experiencing is infatuation at first sight—because all you're simply crushing on is this man's superficial self, not his superinsidehimself.
Don't Stay on the Surface When It's Time to Dive Deep!
All of this leads me to a very important question: Do you really prefer to place a higher value on a guy's superficial aspects (his sexiness, funniness, smartness, wealthiness) more than you value his superinsidehimself (his character, his soul)?
If so, then there is a big danger you will wind up involved with a guy who's rude, angry, dishonest, disloyal, hurtful, non-communicative, unempathic and selfish! As a result, all of his inner bad qualities will make you feel unhappy, insecure, unsafe, frazzled, neurotic and totally crazy!
All of this reminds me of a funny joke by Woody Allen:
"To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy, one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness."
Okay. I admit it. I find this Woody quote funny as hell. But I am here to remind you: Your love life should not be your suffering life! (Oh…and Woody Allen's also wrong about his cooking methods. Woody instructs: "Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.")
Reminder Time: The number one reason to spend time with a guy is that he makes you feel happier and he is improving your life. Not making you more unhappy, insecure, unsafe, or just plain frazzled!
Another way to explain all this is to make the following confession…
True Love Is a That, Not a Him
Confession Time: I used to look at a cute, funny, charismatic guy and think: "Yum, yum! I want him!" Now I know better. Now I look at loving, happy couples—watch the happy, healthy dynamic between the guy and girl— and think: "Yum, yum! I want that!"
My Lesson/Your Lesson: True love is a that—not a him.
Translation: True love is not a wish list but a "wish feeling." And the number one feeling—even before the feeling of love—is the feeling of safety. Without feeling safe, you will never feel true love. You must have trust in your partner's character and prioritize finding a partner who is honest, communicative, and empathic—someone who values growing—so you can feel safe to vulnerably be your truest core self with him—and then together the two of you can support one another to grow into your best possible selves.
Karen Salmansohn is a best-selling author known for creating self-help for people who wouldn't be caught dead reading self-help. Get more information on finding a loving happier-ever-after relationship in her book Prince Harming Syndrome.
In my book Prince Harming Syndrome, I share an article from The New York Times about the psychology of evil which included "The Psychopath Checklist." Criminal psychiatrists use this helpful list use to test the potential of someone being a hardcore psychopath, capable of committing repeated evil and violent crimes.
• Guess which traits psychopaths share?
• Glibness
• Extreme charisma
• Need to always be doing something
• Feelings of high self-worth
• Pathological lying
• Proneness to boredom
• Emotional unavailability
To my amusement, all these adjectives also described my now ex-Prince Harming boyfriend, who was an adorably charismatic, fun, active, confident guy. But in the end, he turned out to be a two-faced cheater.
The Love Lesson Learned
What's the love lesson learned? One of the top traits to look for in a partner is an appealingly strong character.
Think about it for a moment. Good character values not only come in handy on a day-to-day basis, but during those eventual, inevitable times of conflict.
If you and your partner do not value putting in the effort of acting with strong character values during times of disagreement, disappointment, stress, crisis, temptation, sadness, monetary-challenges, illness, vulnerability, misunderstandings—then your relationship will always suffer!
Indeed, John Gottman, the famed psychologist and researcher who runs The Love Lab, says he can predict how long a couple will last, not by studying how well a couple gets along, but by studying how well a couple doesn't get along. A relationship is only as strong as its weakest link— how a couple handles their challenges.
The good news: If you're involved in what my favorite philosopher buddy Aristotle called a "Relationship of Shared Virtue"—you will both want to deal with conflict by facing up to it with "strong character values" and viewing it as "a laboratory for growth."
Basically, you must accept right here—right now—if you are going to be in happily ever after love, then your relationship must have a duo function.
2 Keys to a Happily-Ever-After Love Relationship
1. "Den of pleasure"—for fun, companionship, sex, laughter, etc. which you as a human need—so you can keep your soul alive with passion!
2. "Laboratory for growth"—the ultimate place of challenge for your soul to be nurtured to grow—where you inspire one another's "character development"—so you can both grow into your most esteemed selves - which is what Aristotle put forth was what true happiness was all about!
Unfortunately, many people solely view a relationship as a place to experience pleasure—leaving out the soul-ly aspects of love—where you nurture each other to grow!
In fact, when I ask the women I coach to describe what they're looking for in a partner, they always start off listing sexiness, funniness, smartness and wealthiness! But these are all personality traits—and pleasures of the body and ego —not character values which nurture the soul/core self.
If you want to "live happily ever after in love" you must prioritize finding a man who:
1. Values growing as a person
2. Truly understands a relationship serves the double function of "den of pleasure" and "laboratory for growth"
After all, if your partner doesn't value growth, he won't be ready to deal with non-fun, inevitable conflicts in a high integrity way. As a result, when those aforementioned disagreements, disappointments, stresses, crises, temptations, sadnesses, monetary-challenges, illnesses, vulnerabilities and misunderstandings arise, your relationship will suffer. Or worse, your partner will run for the hills—end of story, end of relationship!
Getting to Know a Guy's Character
You know what's funny? How we all know that embracing strong character values really does matter in life and love. Yet, our world mostly offers relationship tips like:
"Buy these sexy clothes!""Be more successful!"
"Tighten your buns!"
Nobody ever comes out and says:
"Yo! Value good strong character values in yourself and others!"
Isn't that weird? I suppose that's because it takes more time, effort and patience to work on strengthening one's character values—and to truly understand another person's inner character—than it does to quickly buy a superficial new sexy outfit, or share a leisurely romantic candlelit dinner. Hence why you must prioritize getting to know a guy's inner character up-front—before you drop your guards—or even your panties. Yes, if you want to live happily ever after with a man, it's essential you prioritize strong character values over strong biceps.
Size Does Matter! Look for a Guy with a Really Big Heart
Remember: It's called "finding a soul mate" not "finding an ego mate"! And if you're going to connect soul to soul, you must take the time to see your partner's soul and feel safe enough to reveal your own soul. For this feeling of safety to occur, you must trust your partner's integrity. Take the time to find out if your partner values embracing empathy, listening, direct communication, honesty, loyalty and growth. After all, a guy's character will always be the determinant behind his choosing to be naughty or nice—thereby making you feel sad or happy.
Think about all those fabulous Prince Charmings in fairy tales. What makes a Prince Charming truly "Princely"? Prince Charmings are made of good strong character fiber! They're noble, kind and generous with good deeds. Plus, they support a Princess in becoming liberated, so she can venture forth to become her fullest royal potential.
Meanwhile, evil Prince Harmings are just as good-looking, rich and charismatic as Prince Charmings. A Prince Harming's huge difference is the one spotted within his spotty character! Prince Harmings suffer from major character defects which create scenarios to torture and imprison a Princess.
Meaning? Although you might feel as if you're experiencing love at first sight with a Prince Harming, what you're really experiencing is infatuation at first sight—because all you're simply crushing on is this man's superficial self, not his superinsidehimself.
Don't Stay on the Surface When It's Time to Dive Deep!
All of this leads me to a very important question: Do you really prefer to place a higher value on a guy's superficial aspects (his sexiness, funniness, smartness, wealthiness) more than you value his superinsidehimself (his character, his soul)?
If so, then there is a big danger you will wind up involved with a guy who's rude, angry, dishonest, disloyal, hurtful, non-communicative, unempathic and selfish! As a result, all of his inner bad qualities will make you feel unhappy, insecure, unsafe, frazzled, neurotic and totally crazy!
All of this reminds me of a funny joke by Woody Allen:
"To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy, one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness."
Okay. I admit it. I find this Woody quote funny as hell. But I am here to remind you: Your love life should not be your suffering life! (Oh…and Woody Allen's also wrong about his cooking methods. Woody instructs: "Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.")
Reminder Time: The number one reason to spend time with a guy is that he makes you feel happier and he is improving your life. Not making you more unhappy, insecure, unsafe, or just plain frazzled!
Another way to explain all this is to make the following confession…
True Love Is a That, Not a Him
Confession Time: I used to look at a cute, funny, charismatic guy and think: "Yum, yum! I want him!" Now I know better. Now I look at loving, happy couples—watch the happy, healthy dynamic between the guy and girl— and think: "Yum, yum! I want that!"
My Lesson/Your Lesson: True love is a that—not a him.
Translation: True love is not a wish list but a "wish feeling." And the number one feeling—even before the feeling of love—is the feeling of safety. Without feeling safe, you will never feel true love. You must have trust in your partner's character and prioritize finding a partner who is honest, communicative, and empathic—someone who values growing—so you can feel safe to vulnerably be your truest core self with him—and then together the two of you can support one another to grow into your best possible selves.
Karen Salmansohn is a best-selling author known for creating self-help for people who wouldn't be caught dead reading self-help. Get more information on finding a loving happier-ever-after relationship in her book Prince Harming Syndrome.
Friday, November 12, 2010
THE APPEARANCE OF A MODEST WOMAN
A wonderful view from a lovely Christian woman.
As fashion trends become more and more sensual, it is very easy for a Christian woman to assume the only selection of “beautiful” clothing is that which complies with the culture. Dressing modestly (and fashionably) has become an art form. Frankly, many of us aren’t willing to go the extra mile it takes to dress with mystique, grace, and dignity. Add to that the desire to be attractive to the male sex, and you come out with a dismally low standard of dress. It’s all too tempting to excuse our mediocre standards because “at least this isn’t as bad as what I could be wearing.” So long as we don’t go topless to the beach, we’re obtaining some element of modesty. But God’s standard, as usual, is far much higher.
A woman’s body is for the enjoyment of one man and one man alone – her husband. However, this does not mean that a woman should not enhance her appearance – on Sunday or any day of the week. In fact, Scripture gives multiple examples of women who wore fine clothing and jewelry. Obviously, God is not opposed to women making themselves look attractive. It’s part of His natural design.
t’s very easy to assume that modesty means drab, shapeless, unfeminine clothes that make us distastefully attractive. However, contrary to popular belief, feminine beauty doesn’t have to mean sensuality. It is more than possible to exude the kind of dignity, nobility, grace, and true feminine decorum that glorifies God – without using sex appeal. Adorning ourselves with modest apparel gives us the wonderful opportunity to showcase the glorious beauty of Christ, not the cheap counterfeit of feminine beauty espoused by the culture. However, saying that we’re imitating God’s creative design by enhancing our appearance doesn’t mean it’s a free-for-all.
Because our bodies house the presence of the living God, we cannot just assume that it is our right to do whatever we want with them. Rather, our body is to be spent for the glory of our King, not for our own selfish desire to be found beautiful in the eyes of others. In addition to our bodies belonging to the Lord, our bodies are also to be saved for our future (or present-day, if you’re married) husbands. We must take into account our responsibility to honor our husbands with our bodies, even before we meet him. The Proverbs 31 woman does her husband good and not harm all the days of her life, not just after she’s married (see Proverbs 31:12).
As fashion trends become more and more sensual, it is very easy for a Christian woman to assume the only selection of “beautiful” clothing is that which complies with the culture. Dressing modestly (and fashionably) has become an art form. Frankly, many of us aren’t willing to go the extra mile it takes to dress with mystique, grace, and dignity. Add to that the desire to be attractive to the male sex, and you come out with a dismally low standard of dress. It’s all too tempting to excuse our mediocre standards because “at least this isn’t as bad as what I could be wearing.” So long as we don’t go topless to the beach, we’re obtaining some element of modesty. But God’s standard, as usual, is far much higher.
A woman’s body is for the enjoyment of one man and one man alone – her husband. However, this does not mean that a woman should not enhance her appearance – on Sunday or any day of the week. In fact, Scripture gives multiple examples of women who wore fine clothing and jewelry. Obviously, God is not opposed to women making themselves look attractive. It’s part of His natural design.
t’s very easy to assume that modesty means drab, shapeless, unfeminine clothes that make us distastefully attractive. However, contrary to popular belief, feminine beauty doesn’t have to mean sensuality. It is more than possible to exude the kind of dignity, nobility, grace, and true feminine decorum that glorifies God – without using sex appeal. Adorning ourselves with modest apparel gives us the wonderful opportunity to showcase the glorious beauty of Christ, not the cheap counterfeit of feminine beauty espoused by the culture. However, saying that we’re imitating God’s creative design by enhancing our appearance doesn’t mean it’s a free-for-all.
Because our bodies house the presence of the living God, we cannot just assume that it is our right to do whatever we want with them. Rather, our body is to be spent for the glory of our King, not for our own selfish desire to be found beautiful in the eyes of others. In addition to our bodies belonging to the Lord, our bodies are also to be saved for our future (or present-day, if you’re married) husbands. We must take into account our responsibility to honor our husbands with our bodies, even before we meet him. The Proverbs 31 woman does her husband good and not harm all the days of her life, not just after she’s married (see Proverbs 31:12).
DATING AND COURTSHIP? AND AT WHAT AGE?
What’s the purpose of dating? Courtship? How soon is too soon? Dr. Ray Guarendi just wrote an article about this, too.
What do YOU think?
I like what this lady had to say:
Why Christians Should be Appalled at the Dating System
I promised in a recent post that I would write again about why I think Christians should be appalled at the system of dating. It’s a difficult post. There are many points and rabbit trails I’m tempted to follow. Here, though, I’ll try to stick to the one, over-arching problem I see with our current dating system.
What’s it for?
It’s not just that the practice is faulty, though it is, or that other practices don’t have flaws, because they do, it’s our fundamental understanding that is wrong.
Dating came from a practice whose purpose was to find a marriage partner. That’s the whole point. How did we arrive, then, at encouraging our young people to date and then acting shocked if they talk of marrying before the age of 25? We expect our 14 year old to become romantically involved with someone and fully expect that they will NOT get married. We commit parental schizophrenia!
What’s really normal?
In this process we not only permit but encourage our children to commit adultery-like behavior that will follow them into marriage. What I mean is that our daughter is somebody’s wife, even when she’s young. Our son is someone’s husband. As Scripture clearly uses language in describing Christ and the church we get a picture of what is expected on the wedding day–a spotless bride. That is, at the altar, for centuries, it was fully expected that the two getting married had never been romantically involved with anyone else. This is normal. What we have now is brand new, and certainly not normal; it’s just all we know in our short life spans.
Forget the fact that by embracing the dating system we submit our children to larger-than-life temptations, the likes of which we wouldn’t permit ourselves to endure, and waste enormous time and energy that should otherwise be spent preparing them for life and marriage. They aren’t even supposed to be thinking in the direction of romance until they’re ready to get married.
If you are reading and haven’t given the concept of dating much thought, I challenge you to ask yourself a few questions:
1. What is the purpose for allowing my children to date?
2. Is that purpose working to better prepare them to be a husband or wife?
3. Can a mother and father present their daughter at the wedding altar and “give this woman” if they haven’t “kept” her throughout her preparations for becoming a wife?
4. Does dating allow a person to come wholly to his or her spouse?
WHAT'S SO BAD ABOUT BEING SINGLE
“You know what your problem is?”
Who doesn’t love a conversation that starts like that? But if you’re over 35 and single, people somehow think it’s an open invitation to diagnose why you’re still single. “You don’t have room in your life for a woman/man.” “You’re too picky.” “You’re not picky enough.” (Sadly, I’ve dated a few women who have elicited that response from my friends.) The very term “singles” practically sounds like a disease (oh, wait, that’s “shingles”), and for those diagnosing us, being single seems to be our defining characteristic.
As the last of my peer group to remain single, I’ve noticed that friends, colleagues, family members, even shop owners, are quick to diagnose me. I bought new eyeglasses recently and the salesman asked my female friend whether we were a couple.
“No, we’re just friends,” she said.
“Good,” he said, “because based on how long it takes him to decide on a pair of glasses, if you’re waiting for a proposal, you’re gonna wait forever.” As if choosing eye wear were somehow related to choosing a spouse.
Is there something wrong with being single?
Comments like these, repeated over and over through the years, were making me start to doubt myself. Maybe something was wrong with me. Maybe I did have the dreaded singles disease. After all, people never give flattering reasons for why you’re still single. The diagnosis is never, “You’re too good-looking” or “If only you were less smart.” It’s always something negative. “You don’t know what you want in a woman.” “You’re looking for a woman who doesn’t exist.” If everybody’s saying these things, after a while you start thinking maybe they’re right.
It got to the point where even I started to wonder why I was still single. So I decided to put my fate in the hands of my happily married friends, Andy and Lisa. (Names have been changed to protect the guilty.) I agreed to let them set me up.
Andy and Lisa wanted to double date, so the four of us went to dinner. It turns out that the woman they set me up with had started a new job that day, and she joked — three times, so I sensed it was more than a joke — that she’s just not cut out for work, and she really just wants to marry a rich guy. That’s a nice thing to hear on a first date, because that’s exactly what guys are looking for in a woman. It’s the equivalent of a man telling a first date that he’s considering quitting his job to devote more time to chewing tobacco.
Then poker came up in conversation, and my date said she loves to gamble, but she’s having a bad year. “How so?” I asked. She said she’s down $19,000. Nineteen. Thousand. Dollars! I thought, Wow, so you don’t want to work AND you’ve got a gambling problem? You’re quite the catch.
After the date, Andy pulled me aside and excitedly asked, “So… what do you think?” Not wanting to be insulting, I said I thought she was nice, but not quite my type. To which Andy replied, “You know what your problem is? You don’t want to be happy.”
Now, wait a minute! I may not know myself perfectly, but I do know that an unambitious gambler is not my road to happiness. And that’s when I came to my senses and realized that the so-called “experts” who were diagnosing me didn’t know any more than I did. Being single isn’t a disease, yet so many married people think they’re Jonas Salk with the miracle cure. But with over 50 percent of marriages ending in divorce, maybe single people should be diagnosing married people.
What single people need to remember
The fact is, we all go through life on our own timetable. I know many people who found their true love a little later in life. It wasn’t because they were crazy or afraid to commit or told too many corny jokes on dates or any of that stuff. It was because they found their true love a little later in life.
I have a well-meaning cousin who, upon hearing I wasn’t dating anyone, sighed and said, “There’s gotta be somebody out there for you.” She used the exact same tone that Dr. Frankenstein would have used if he were lamenting that his monster was still single. I told her, “It’s not like I’ve never been loved!” But then I realized that I didn’t need to get defensive. I mean, even Frankenstein’s monster found his soul mate, and I’m not sure he even had a soul. I have to believe I’m a better catch than he is. Just imagine what people must have said about him before he found his lovely bride. But did he listen? No. Ol’ Frankie’s monster just kept trudging along, with the bolts in his neck and his flat head held high. And until the rest of us find our soul mate, so should we.
Michael Kramer is an Emmy-nominated television writer living in Los Angeles. He is single, looking and, he likes to think, “well-adjusted.”
Who doesn’t love a conversation that starts like that? But if you’re over 35 and single, people somehow think it’s an open invitation to diagnose why you’re still single. “You don’t have room in your life for a woman/man.” “You’re too picky.” “You’re not picky enough.” (Sadly, I’ve dated a few women who have elicited that response from my friends.) The very term “singles” practically sounds like a disease (oh, wait, that’s “shingles”), and for those diagnosing us, being single seems to be our defining characteristic.
As the last of my peer group to remain single, I’ve noticed that friends, colleagues, family members, even shop owners, are quick to diagnose me. I bought new eyeglasses recently and the salesman asked my female friend whether we were a couple.
“No, we’re just friends,” she said.
“Good,” he said, “because based on how long it takes him to decide on a pair of glasses, if you’re waiting for a proposal, you’re gonna wait forever.” As if choosing eye wear were somehow related to choosing a spouse.
Is there something wrong with being single?
Comments like these, repeated over and over through the years, were making me start to doubt myself. Maybe something was wrong with me. Maybe I did have the dreaded singles disease. After all, people never give flattering reasons for why you’re still single. The diagnosis is never, “You’re too good-looking” or “If only you were less smart.” It’s always something negative. “You don’t know what you want in a woman.” “You’re looking for a woman who doesn’t exist.” If everybody’s saying these things, after a while you start thinking maybe they’re right.
It got to the point where even I started to wonder why I was still single. So I decided to put my fate in the hands of my happily married friends, Andy and Lisa. (Names have been changed to protect the guilty.) I agreed to let them set me up.Andy and Lisa wanted to double date, so the four of us went to dinner. It turns out that the woman they set me up with had started a new job that day, and she joked — three times, so I sensed it was more than a joke — that she’s just not cut out for work, and she really just wants to marry a rich guy. That’s a nice thing to hear on a first date, because that’s exactly what guys are looking for in a woman. It’s the equivalent of a man telling a first date that he’s considering quitting his job to devote more time to chewing tobacco.
Then poker came up in conversation, and my date said she loves to gamble, but she’s having a bad year. “How so?” I asked. She said she’s down $19,000. Nineteen. Thousand. Dollars! I thought, Wow, so you don’t want to work AND you’ve got a gambling problem? You’re quite the catch.
After the date, Andy pulled me aside and excitedly asked, “So… what do you think?” Not wanting to be insulting, I said I thought she was nice, but not quite my type. To which Andy replied, “You know what your problem is? You don’t want to be happy.”
Now, wait a minute! I may not know myself perfectly, but I do know that an unambitious gambler is not my road to happiness. And that’s when I came to my senses and realized that the so-called “experts” who were diagnosing me didn’t know any more than I did. Being single isn’t a disease, yet so many married people think they’re Jonas Salk with the miracle cure. But with over 50 percent of marriages ending in divorce, maybe single people should be diagnosing married people.
What single people need to remember
The fact is, we all go through life on our own timetable. I know many people who found their true love a little later in life. It wasn’t because they were crazy or afraid to commit or told too many corny jokes on dates or any of that stuff. It was because they found their true love a little later in life.
I have a well-meaning cousin who, upon hearing I wasn’t dating anyone, sighed and said, “There’s gotta be somebody out there for you.” She used the exact same tone that Dr. Frankenstein would have used if he were lamenting that his monster was still single. I told her, “It’s not like I’ve never been loved!” But then I realized that I didn’t need to get defensive. I mean, even Frankenstein’s monster found his soul mate, and I’m not sure he even had a soul. I have to believe I’m a better catch than he is. Just imagine what people must have said about him before he found his lovely bride. But did he listen? No. Ol’ Frankie’s monster just kept trudging along, with the bolts in his neck and his flat head held high. And until the rest of us find our soul mate, so should we.
Michael Kramer is an Emmy-nominated television writer living in Los Angeles. He is single, looking and, he likes to think, “well-adjusted.”
Thursday, November 11, 2010
10 SIGNS HE'S NOT THE ONE
Some people say they "just knew" that they were dating their future spouse. But what about the rest of us? What happens when you're not sure if he's The One? If you're considering long-term commitment or marriage, it's time to ask yourself some tough questions. Below, 10 signs that may indicate he's not for you.
1. You have a list of things he needs to stop doing/saying/wearing if he wants your relationship to work. If you're fixating on his flaws, he's either not the one you want or you're not ready for a serious relationship. Cutting him loose allows you time to grow and gives you the opportunity to meet a guy whose flaws you can embrace -- or at least accept.
2. You don't trust him. A small dose of jealousy can be healthy, but if you're hacking into his email account, and going berserk when he goes out without you, something's wrong. If there's something about him that truly warrants your distrust, then perhaps he's not the right one for you.
3. You avoid conflict at any cost. Fighting is healthy. And, when done right (in the non-accusatory, rational sort of way), it can be a great way to air grievances, fix problems in your relationship, and come to a deeper understanding of each other. Ignoring problems is not the same as having no problems at all... even if it looks that way.
4. When you're sad, you don't turn to him for comfort. When you're a giant ball of tears and snot, do you lock yourself into the bathroom so he can't see you at your worst? If you're worried about scaring him away, one of you isn't ready for total commitment. Mr. Right should make you smile through your tears and be a calming, not stressful, presence.
5. One of you is struggling with an addiction. He's sweet. He's exciting. He loves you very much. But he loves his alcohol habit or his weekly gambling fix more. Don't fool yourself into thinking that you can change him or that your relationship will be strong enough to withstand the heartache that addiction will inevitably bring. An addict may be able to change, but he'll do so on his own terms.
6. You can't really imagine him as the father of your children. Ask yourself: Would he make a great parent? Is he financially responsible? Would he be an equal partner in your future together? If you have doubts, he's probably not the one.
7. Your long-term, non-negotiable goals in life are incompatible. You want kids; he doesn't. You go to church every week; he's an atheist. He lives in the country and doesn't want to move; you can't imagine ever leaving the city. Superficial differences can be overcome, but differences in basic values are harder to smooth over. Ask yourself: "Would I be willing to compromise on this?" If the answer is absolutely not, you may not be right for each other.
8. You don't respect each other. He puts you down in front of your friends and complains about you to his parents. You roll your eyes when he talks because there's just something about him that embarrasses you. A relationship without respect can't sustain itself.
9. You're not attracted to him. Physical intimacy is a hugely important component of a romantic relationship. If he doesn't do it for you, he's probably not your best long-term match.
10. On paper he seems great, but you have this strange feeling... Don't ignore your gut. You may get along on a superficial level, but if your instincts are telling you he's not the one for you, listen. That little voice inside your head does not lie.
1. You have a list of things he needs to stop doing/saying/wearing if he wants your relationship to work. If you're fixating on his flaws, he's either not the one you want or you're not ready for a serious relationship. Cutting him loose allows you time to grow and gives you the opportunity to meet a guy whose flaws you can embrace -- or at least accept.
2. You don't trust him. A small dose of jealousy can be healthy, but if you're hacking into his email account, and going berserk when he goes out without you, something's wrong. If there's something about him that truly warrants your distrust, then perhaps he's not the right one for you.
3. You avoid conflict at any cost. Fighting is healthy. And, when done right (in the non-accusatory, rational sort of way), it can be a great way to air grievances, fix problems in your relationship, and come to a deeper understanding of each other. Ignoring problems is not the same as having no problems at all... even if it looks that way.
4. When you're sad, you don't turn to him for comfort. When you're a giant ball of tears and snot, do you lock yourself into the bathroom so he can't see you at your worst? If you're worried about scaring him away, one of you isn't ready for total commitment. Mr. Right should make you smile through your tears and be a calming, not stressful, presence.5. One of you is struggling with an addiction. He's sweet. He's exciting. He loves you very much. But he loves his alcohol habit or his weekly gambling fix more. Don't fool yourself into thinking that you can change him or that your relationship will be strong enough to withstand the heartache that addiction will inevitably bring. An addict may be able to change, but he'll do so on his own terms.
6. You can't really imagine him as the father of your children. Ask yourself: Would he make a great parent? Is he financially responsible? Would he be an equal partner in your future together? If you have doubts, he's probably not the one.
7. Your long-term, non-negotiable goals in life are incompatible. You want kids; he doesn't. You go to church every week; he's an atheist. He lives in the country and doesn't want to move; you can't imagine ever leaving the city. Superficial differences can be overcome, but differences in basic values are harder to smooth over. Ask yourself: "Would I be willing to compromise on this?" If the answer is absolutely not, you may not be right for each other.
8. You don't respect each other. He puts you down in front of your friends and complains about you to his parents. You roll your eyes when he talks because there's just something about him that embarrasses you. A relationship without respect can't sustain itself.
9. You're not attracted to him. Physical intimacy is a hugely important component of a romantic relationship. If he doesn't do it for you, he's probably not your best long-term match.
10. On paper he seems great, but you have this strange feeling... Don't ignore your gut. You may get along on a superficial level, but if your instincts are telling you he's not the one for you, listen. That little voice inside your head does not lie.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
THE BENEFITS OF ALOE VERA
EFFECT IN THE GUT
Aloe Vera has a wonderfully beneficial action on bowel function which results in smooth and efficient transit of contents, often eradicating inconvenient, colicky pain.
ASSISTS IN HEALTHY DIGESTION
A healthy digestive tract ensures that nutrients from the food we eat are absorbed into the bloodstream. There is clear clinical evidence that by drinking Aloe Vera Gel the bowel is able to absorb these nutrients more efficiently, especially protein. I also suspect that many other substances are much better absorbed under its influence.
EFFECT ON GUT FLORA
Aloe Vera is a natural balance in many areas and nowhere more so than inside the guts, where it tends to regulate the various bacteria and yeast that inhabit it.
For example, if a person were to suffer with too much yeast in the gut, regular ingestion of the Gel would tend to reduce this overgrowth. The same can be said of the more unfriendly bacteria that can accumulate in certain conditions.
EFFECT ON THE SKIN
When they are first produced deep in the epidermis, skin cells are rather large and very much alive, but by the time they reach the surface after 21 - 28 days (in normal skin), they are a shadow of their former selves and are transformed into just thin flakes of keratin which eventually fall off.
Aloe Vera Gel provides the essential nutrition to feed the basal cells. Therefore the skin remains healthy and is able to perform its vital function more efficiently as well as looking much better.
INCREASES THE ACTIVITY OF FIBROBLASTS
Fibroblasts are specialized cells found in the skin and their job is to produce fiber such as collagen and elastin. These fibers give the skin its structure and of course, make it look plump and elastic. The more you have, the younger your skin may look.
ANTIVIRAL ACTIVITY
Within the mucilage layer of the leaf which surrounds the inner Gel there is a long chain of sugar or polysaccharides. This has the capability of being able to help defend us against attacks by various viruses, from the common cold to the more nasty viruses and could even help balance your immune system.
ANTI - INFLAMMATORY AND PAINKILLING EFFECT
Among the substances that have been identified in Aloe Vera are several that are naturally anti inflammatory and painkilling. People who take it regulatory often find that inflammatory conditions are greatly benefited.
A USEFUL SOURCE OF MINERALS
Some of the minerals found in Aloe Vera include calcium, sodium, potassium, iron, chronium, magnesium, manganese, copper and zinc.
This is because the plant tends to grow in areas where soils are rich in these minerals and its root are able to absorb them and deliver them to us in a very available form.
A USEFUL SOURCE OF VITAMINS
Aloe Vera Gel contains a large range of vitamins - even trace elements of vitamin B12 which is rarely found in plants. Apart from Vit A, it contains B - group vitamins, vitamin C, Vitamin E and folic acid.
Many of these vitamins cannot be stored by the body so we need to constantly top them up from the food that we eat. What better way than by drinking a daily amount of Aloe Vera Gel while at the same time building up the body's defense system against oxidation stress naturally?
A GOOD GENERAL TONIC
By drinking the Gel with all its important ingredients (often now deficient in food) including 19 of the 20 amino acids needed by the human body, and seven of the eight essential ones that just cannot be made, the body is able to get enough to allow complex enzyme systems to work really well. This means the body can function at 100%. The net result to the individual is a wonderful feeling of well being.
By Dr Peter Atherton MB ChB, DObst RCOG, FRCGP
For further enquires call 08098890979
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
DON’T KISS ME BY BETHANY TORODE
Kiss me beneath the milky twilight. Lead me out on the moonlit floor. Lift your open hand. Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance, Silver moon's sparkling. So kiss me.You might recognize this chorus, from one of the most popular Christian songs-gone-mainstream — it was #1 on the Billboard chart for two weeks in May of '99. It's "Kiss Me" by Sixpence None the Richer. Scan your radio channels for a minute and you're bound to catch the tune's signature descent of guitar chords and whimsical vocals. In a recent Christian catalog I came across an endorsement for the self-titled Sixpence CD - "One of the most talked-about albums of the year!" From the discussions I've had with Christians my age, I believe it. All the talking can be summed up in a statement I found on a Christian listener's Amazon.com review:
"What in the world does 'Kiss Me' have to do with Jesus?"It's a fair question, but I think it reveals a profound misunderstanding. You might as well ask: What does the Song of Solomon have to do with Jesus? It is called The Song of All Songs, though it never mentions God, Jesus or the Holy Spirit by name. Yet, it's an important book of the Bible because it teaches us that sexual intimacy (kissing included) in the right context is a gift from God. I'd bet Matt Slocum (songwriter and creative force behind SNTR) and lead singer Leigh Nash understand the connection between kissing and Christ, since they're both married.
I don't question Christian musicians singing a poem about kissing. I do question the rest of my Christian family separating such a deeply significant act from the One who designed it for us. Mind you, I understand their concerns. "I'm not thinking about God when I hear that song," a 22-year-old male friend of mine said. "I'm thinking about kissing my girlfriend. That's not very worshipful." My friend is trying to honestly assess his own motives, and he's right to do so. But he's missing the significance "Kiss Me" has in pointing toward an experience God intends as a type of worship. Worship literally means "to kiss the cheek of." I firmly believe that we are kissing the cheek of God when we take delight in the pleasures of intimacy with our marriage partners. Of course my friend was probably also right that he wasn't thinking worshipful thoughts. And here's where I get controversial. I also believe that kissing a romantic interest outside of marriage is not gratifying to God.
"Treat younger men as brothers ... and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity" (emphasis added) (1 Timothy 5:1b, 2b). There are two states of sexuality outlined in the Bible, celibacy and marriage — and during the transfer from the first to the second we are still under Paul's command of restraint. Rethinking a Kiss "Passionate kissing is:
(1) a harmless recreational activity,
(2) a godly way to show true love while dating,
(3) something only married people should share,
(4) a means of seducing your date."
My eyes were immediately drawn to the survey question-of-the-week at the Christian Web site www.singleness.org. Of the 302 people surveyed (I'd guess most were Christians), 27 chose the first answer, 76 chose the second, and 40 chose the last. Add that up and over 47 percent of them allowed that passionate kissing is acceptable outside of marriage.
Something only married people should share. I added my click and my vote to that group. At one point I might have chosen while dating, or even harmless recreational activity — but over the past few years I've found Bible verses that have convicted me otherwise. "Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares? Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers. May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth" (Proverbs 5:15-18).
'Never' covers all of time — before, during and after marriage. Since I'm not married yet, I am responsible for guarding my husband's 'fountain' (my body, which includes my lips) from strangers, even strangers who would only take a sip. I am attempting to rise to the challenge of Proverbs 31 — "a wife of noble character ... brings her husband good, not harm, all the days of her life." Men, likewise, are responsible for drinking only from their own wells, only from their own wives, and for staying away from mine.
Christians give the actual act of sexual intercourse a great deal of spiritual significance, yet we rarely examine the motives behind our casual exchanges of physical intimacy with brothers and sisters. We don't fully acknowledge sexual intimacy as a whole package; we don't realize that the beginning and ending of passion are inseparable. Most Christians of my generation would agree with the biblical teaching of physical purity as a goal. Yet when it comes to following up in action, we make the same mistakes as our supposedly more worldly peers. Why is that?
I believe it's partly because kissing is treated so nonchalantly — it's something we exchange between dates, and it's justifiable as long as the people involved are Christians and they don't take it "too far."
It has little to do with God; it has been reduced to a touch exchanged between two, instead of its intended purpose of three-way communion between man, woman and God. The Bible never says "Thou shalt not kiss" so we assume Jesus doesn't come into our physical connections until we are on the way to marriage.
I'm a sophomore in college with virgin lips. A few months after turning 16, I vowed to keep my "bow" tied until a man promises to commit himself to the whole package. My first kiss will be from my husband on our wedding day. Yes, that's quite a progression, from an inexpert kiss at the altar to the complete unwrapping of the wedding night — believe me, my friends have pointed that out. Then again, Adam and Eve managed to figure everything out in a day.
God never intended the engagement period to be a time for physical experimenting, for peeking under the wrapping paper. Kissing — which quickly turns passionate when you are in love — carries a current intended to light a fire. In the Old Testament, the Hebrew word for "kiss" (nashaq) is derived from the primary root meaning "to kindle." I don't want to open the matchbox. "Why preheat the oven when you can't cook the roast?" as Doug Wilson puts it in Her Hand in Marriage.
We see this truth reflected in places ranging from Scripture to literature that has endured for centuries. Song of Solomon 8:4 says not to arouse love until the right time. The fairy tales of Sleeping Beauty and Snow White hold a deeper symbolism: a kiss is (and should be) an awakening. I want to guard my fiancé; I want him to be asleep to me until we are one before God. There will be other ways of showing affection without arousing passion.
A Virginal Heart
Ultimately I am not as concerned about what Christians' lips do as I am about where our hearts are. One short kiss might not spark anything (though a string of short kisses quickly becomes a fuse). What's behind your kiss is what God is concerned about. Are you bestowing devotion or taking gratification? If you truly love that person, is it in their best interests to wet their thirst when you cannot give them the whole glass of water?
Elisabeth Elliot says it best in Passion and Purity: "Can I say categorically that a kiss is a sin? I can say that it might be. I can say that it might take the edge off, spoil the taste and the pleasure later on. It might reduce power. It might distract the heart. ... It is the heart's direction that is always the central issue. God knows what the heart is set on. We can deceive others. We can easily deceive ourselves. The humble and honest heart will always be shown the truth."
God asks different things of different people. My point is not that everyone should take a vow against premarital kissing. My challenge is that this generation of Christians would take a deeper look at something we treat so lightly. That we would take the initiative in saving something so precious for the right time and person — that we would pray about grasping what Solomon meant when he said there is a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing. That we would understand how intricately kissing is involved with Jesus and that we would ask Him how we can better obey His commands for purity.
Since I don't have a boyfriend and have never been kissed, when I hear "Kiss Me" on the radio I turn it up. I get a little dreamy and ponder on what it will be like to dance among the fireflies and moonlight with my husband. And I know that when he kisses me the joy I feel will be praise that goes straight to heaven.
Friday, November 5, 2010
BEING IN LOVE
This business of falling in and out of love. Everybody does it, you know. Sometimes before, they get married, but always after wards. Modern folks simply bug out of the marriage, if they feel no obligation to keep vows - vows made foolishly, they believe. There is something to be said for making an adult choice and sticking with it. “Being in love,” wrote C.S Lewis in Mere Christianity, is a good thing, but it is not the best thing. There are many things below it, but there are also things above it. You cannot make it the basis of a whole life. It is a noble feeling, but it is still a feeling. Now no feeling can be relied on to last in its full intensity, or even to last at all …… In fact, the state of being in love usually does not last …… If you are looking for some kind of feeling that’s consistent day in day out, forget it. Nevertheless, ceasing to be ‘in love’ need not mean ceasing to love. Love ….. is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by the grace which both partners ask and receive from God ….. 
By Elisabeth Elliot
Thursday, November 4, 2010
WHAT TO DO WITH LONELINESS
Two lovers who are separated geographically can dwell mentally in the past and the future, reliving the happiness of having been together and anticipating the joy of reunion. It is quite possible to waste the present altogether but also possible to learn from the experience of separation and loneliness whether in a relationship or not. Here’s how:
Be still and know that He is God. When you are lonely, too much stillness is exactly the thing that seems to be laying waste your soul. Use that stillness to quiet your heart before God. Get to know Him. If He is God, He is still in charge.
Remember that you are not alone. “The Lord, He it is that doth go with thee. He will hot fail thee nor forsake thee. Be strong and of good courage.” (Deut. 31:8) Jesus promised His disciples, “Lo, I am with you always.” (Matt. 28:20). Never mind if you cannot feel His presence. He is there, never for one moment forgetting you.
Give thanks. In times of the greatest loneliness be lifted up by the promise of 2 Corinthians 4:17,18, “For this slight momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, because we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen.” This is something to thank God for. This loneliness itself, which seems a weight, will be far outweighed by glory.
Accept your loneliness. It is one stage, and only one stage, on a journey that brings you to God. It will not always last.
Offer up your loneliness to God, as the little boy offered to Jesus his five loaves and two fishes. God can transform it for the good of others.
Do something for somebody else. No matter who or where you are, there is something you can do, somebody who needs you. Pray that you may be an instrument of God’s peace, that where there is loneliness you may bring joy.
The important thing is to receive this moments experience with both hands. Don’t waste it. Live to the hilt every situation you believe to be God’s will.
A lovely moonlit night, but I am alone. Shall I resent the very moonlight itself because my lover is somewhere else?
A cozy candlelit supper with friends – couples, except for me. Shall I be miserable all evening because they are together and I am single? Have I been “cheated”? Who cheated me?
The phone rings. Oh! Maybe it will be he! It’s a wrong number or some annoying acquaintance. Shall I be rude because he ought to have been somebody else?
When Apostle Paul wrote to the Roman Christians about the happy certainty of heaven, he went on to say, “This doesn’t mean, of course, that we have only a hope of future joys – we can be full of joy here and now even in our trials and troubles.
Even when I’m feeling alone – on that moonlit night, in the middle of the candlelit supper, when the phone call doesn’t come – can I be “full of joy here and now”? Yes. Scripture supports it.
“Taken in the right spirit these very things will give us patient endurance; this in turn will develop a mature character, and a character of this sort produces a steady hope, a hope that will never disappoint us.”
Taken in the right spirit. These are operative words. The empty house, the wrong voice on the phone have no particular magic in themselves that will make a mature character out of a lonely man or woman.
They will never produce a steady hope. Not at all. The effect of our troubles depends not on the nature of the troubles themselves but on how we receive them. I can receive them with both hands in faith and acceptance, or I can rebel and reject. What they produce if I rebel and reject will be something nobody is going to like. Look at the choices:
Rebellion – if this is the will of God for me now, He doesn’t love me.
Rejection – if this is what God is giving me, I won’t have any part of it.
Faith – God knows exactly what He’s doing.
Acceptance – He loves me; He plans good things for me; I’ll take it.
The words “full of joy here and now” depend on the words “taken in the right spirit.” You can’t have one without the other. Taken in a spirit of trust, even loneliness contributes to the maturing of character, even the endurance of separation and silence and that hardest thing of all uncertainty, can build in us a steady hope.
By Elisabeth Elliot
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
STRENGTH OF A WOMAN
Women are powerful creatures. Many believe they are probably the most powerful of God’s creatures. (I know I do).They can be a whole lot of things, from mother to wife to friend to lover, and so much more.
The things she must overcome are endless; still she manages to conquer, sometimes through self-sacrifice. Even the love she exhibits (naturally) can be mind-boggling.
That is why people talk about strength of a woman with respect and awe. However, when we talk about strength as it relates to women, what sort of strength do we refer to? Is it the physical, emotional, mental or spiritual? What is strength anyway?
Oxford Advanced Learner’s dictionary defines strength as the ‘quality of being strong; power and influence that somebody has; and an ability that gives a person or thing an advantage.’ These definitions outline the attributes possessed by a strong woman.
Designer Kimora Lee Simmons interestingly commented in an interview, that "Women can do everything a man can, except for something stupid." (Though I must confess, that’s a bit extreme). It’s easy for us to talk about the strength of a woman now because women have achieved a certain level of recognition (though we’re almost there). There is however a long list of women to thank for this. Names like Condoleezza Rice, Hilary Clinton, Benazir Bhutto and Oprah Winfrey readily come to mind. These women re-wrote history, having displayed characters strong enough to penetrate gender barriers and race discriminations, plaguing their different societies and cultures. Oprah grew up at a time when people were judged by colour of their skin. Black women had no place in the system then. Moreover, despite being sexually abused as a youngster, it did not deter her from becoming one of the most influential women in the world today. Similarly, late Benazir Bhutto’s religion frowned at women being seen in public places, not to mention becoming politicians. Traditional Islamic women drape themselves from head to toe in their hijab exposing only their eyes and palms. Yet history records how she went on to become the first female Prime Minister of Pakistan. In addition, Hilary was not content with being ex-first lady but aimed at becoming the first female President. With these examples, are women still the weaker sex? Men who judge us as weaker only achieve a level of success without women, while it is the reverse for women like Oprah and Condoleezza, whom we know succeeded standing alone. I wonder how far would Barrack Obama would have gone without the support from his wife Michelle, who quit her job to support his campaign. I’m sure Obama will testify to the strength of a woman, having being greatly influenced by women all his life. Women need men to love them, but men need women to make and complete them. However, sadly a woman is never loved, never respected, and never appreciated enough.
But one man I respect is the Spartan King in the movie "300." He addressed his wife as ‘My Queen,’ sought her blessing before going to war, and acknowledged that only a Spartan woman can give birth to a Spartan man. I think every man should take a cue from him and sing along with shaggy and say “so don’t you underestimate the strength of a woman”. So if you know one or better still have one, love her in a hundred ways.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
TO BE VIRGIN OR NOT TO BE VIRGIN
Yemisi*, 26, is sorry she is no longer a virgin. She says she wishes she had no given in to the desire to have sex with her boyfriend. Not only did she end up not marrying him, but the man she did marry was a virgin. “I felt so low and ashamed; after all it’s harder for guys to hold out. Even though I know there is nothing I can do about it, I still wish I had waited.”
Yemisi’s husband says it wasn’t an easy task to remain celibate, but it was something he’d made up his mind to do. “It’s just my personal decision, though I had to ask God for help and grace. Any man will tell you it’s not easy to resist. Even though being a virgin doesn’t necessarily guarantee a wife of good character, I strongly feel that everyone should keep themselves until marriage.”
Tina*, 25 also lost her virginity to her first serious boyfriend. “I gave in to pressure from him and also thought that it would make our relationship stronger.” Though they have long broken up, she still regrets her action. “Even though I’m not a virgin anymore, I don’t think virginity is old school. It should still be a standard to maintain, and men should remain virgins too.”
Toyin*, who is 26, got married as a virgin; she saw chastity as a matter of personal choice. “I do not see any sense in sleeping with a man before marrying him. What if the relationship doesn’t work out? I believe it’s worth the wait.” But not everyone believes in waiting. Dare is a single 29-year-old male who has had lots of sex. “I believe that previous sexual experimentation by a man improves the couple’s sex life, making it more interesting, as the man passes on to his bride what he’s learned,” he says. But when it comes to his future wife, he wants a virgin. “Because of their emotional nature, I believe women have more to lose when they give up their virginity before getting married. Virginity builds trust in a relationship. If a man has to choose between a girl who is a virgin and one who isn’t, he would go for one who is.”
Double standards? Oh yes, but then, women have had to contend with double standards since time immemorial. In ancient cultures, if a goddess or queen wanted respect, she had to be a virgin - something that simply didn’t apply to gods and kings. But heaven help you if you were a virgin, because it made you a prime candidate for some nasty ritual practices and sacrifices! (See even the devil likes them pure).
A Greek god called hymen
So what’s all the fuss about? After all, the hymen, that age-old symbol of virginity and chastity, is just a thin membrane, easily torn by a spot of strenuous sport or a carelessly inserted tampon. It is quite possible that a woman who has never had sex may not technically be a virgin.
The value of virginity has been punted for centuries. In ancient Greece, for example, a virgin was just a young unmarried woman living in daddy’s house who was not to have sex with any guy because her virginity was a guarantee that her husband wouldn’t be bringing up another man’s child. In essence, the guy could rest assured that his offspring were all from his loins.
The ancient Greeks didn’t pay any attention to the hymen as the marker for virginity but, strangely enough, their god of marriage happened to be called Hymen.
According to Guilia Sissa, author of Greek Virginity, an unmarried woman could still have sex and be a virgin; provided no one could bear witness to the fact that the deed had been done. It was a case of “see no evil, know no evil”. But if an unmarried woman fell pregnant and gave birth, such a birth would be regarded as a “virgin birth”, because the details surrounding the child’s conception were unknown. As such, “virgin births” were more common than miracles and, in ancient mythology, gods were named as the fathers of mysteriously conceived babies.
This concept of virgin births was not unique to the Greeks, but was also present in other cultures. For example the Egyptian goddess Isis was perceived as a virgin despite her fruitfulness.
The Christian church has also played a role in hyping virginity. In her book, Alone of All Her Sex, Marina Warner says the virgin birth played an overwhelming role in promoting virginity as a good thing. A Christian may regard a voluntary state of virginity – male or female celibacy – as a sacrifice, a pledge to share in the suffering of the Cross of Christ. Religious orders of all faiths have, over the centuries drawn strength form the dedicated service of such single-minded devotees.
VIRGINAL QUEENS
If you believe in a spiritual side of life, and have a thirst for respect, power and influence, you might want to consider the notion that virginity is associated with magical powers, strength and independence. Take a good look at the great African virgin queens:
• The warrior Queen Amina of Zaria, who was the leader of the Zazzua cavalry and was responsible for the vast expansion region (modern day Zaria), is remembered as “a woman as capable as a man”.
• Candace, Empress of Ethiopia and one of the greatest generals of the ancient world, so much so that even Alexander the Great (according to legend) turned back his armies at the Ethiopian border; and
• Nzingha, Amazon queen of Matamba West Africa – a brave military leader who relentlessly fought against slavery, waging war with the European slave traders.
They might convince you of the might of virginity. Or else you could try to find out through personal experience.
The British under Queen Victoria believed that if a woman remained a virgin for a long period of time she developed masculine characteristics, in addition to the possession of power and great deal of influence. An example of this lies in the reign of a much earlier queen, Queen Elizabeth I, who is revered as one of the most powerful women in English history. She is even quoted as saying: “I know I have the body of a weak and feeble woman, but I have the heart and stomach of a king.” The queen never married, because that would have meant surrendering her independence and right to power.
VIRGIN ON THE RIDICULOUS
In Joshua Zumbrun’s fascinating article about Albania’s “sworn virgins”, he describes how the practice of avowed virginity has been in existence since the 15th century. Basically, it involves taking an oath that you will remain a virgin for the rest of your life.
Another side to this oath is that it is actually the quickest, cheapest and least physically painfully way to undergo a sex change. By taking the oath, you earn the right to live as a man – which means you can work as a man and dress like a man and you are given all the rights of a man. Taking such an oath may seem extreme, but there are advantages:
• You gain more independence;
• You can escape an arranged marriage; and
• You can take on the role of Patriarch in the absence of a male heir
Freud’s understanding of virginity gives exclusive rights to a woman’s husband as the only one to possess her, thereby stripping her of her right to independence and power. If you have ever wondered why it is so difficult to ditch that first love, even when it is obvious that he’s not right for you or just not that into you and even long after you’ve gone your separate ways, you’d find Freud’s explanation interesting, even if downright chauvinistic.
“Whoever is first to satisfy a virgin’s desire for love, long and laboriously held in check……that is the man she will take into a lasting relationship….. This experience creates a state of bondage in the woman which guarantees that possession of her shall continue undisturbed and makes her able to resist new impressions and enticements from outside.”
VIRGIN ON THE EXTREME
In most African countries, virginity is anchored by tradition and religion. Ethiopia, Morocco, Egypt and much of the Arab world place a lot of significance on virginity.
In Nelly Nelly Youssef’s report, Virginity in Egypt, we are told that virginity before marriage speaks volumes about a bride’s faithfulness; it also enhances her reputation. If you don’t have your hymen intact before your wedding night, it will be concluded that you have engaged in immoral behavior and are consequently a disgrace to your family.
There are grave consequences for those who deviate from this norm of virginity. Sadly, in order to erase the shame that a deflowered bride brings to the family, “honour killings” are performed.
According to a women’s research centre in Cairo, 1000 women are killed every year to restore honour to their families – a tragic reflection of the worst kind of male chauvinism, especially considering that it is men who are responsible for deflowering virgins.
Anthropologists Susan Schaefer Davis and Douglas Davis describe how, in a semi – rural town in Morocco, it is obligatory for the blood stained wedding sheets to be produced on the wedding night; otherwise the union could be rendered null and void and the bride sent packing.
To avoid humiliation, scandal and even death, some couples have devised methods of deception which provide false proof of a bride’s virginal status. These practices include the use of menstrual blood or self – mutilation to stain the wedding sheets. Because the spotlight is on the hymen, unmarried women there have devised ways to physically remain virgins by engaging in other forms of sexual intimacy – such as anal and interfemoral intercourse, heavy and shallow penetration.
St Augustine’s theological work, The City of God, reflects an age long past. In it he deliberates that being raped does not add up to a loss of virginity as long as one resists with as much strength as one can muster. He concludes that there are two forms of virginity: the first is based on a person’s physical condition and the second based on their spiritual condition.
In other words, being raped as a virgin doesn’t mean your virginity is lost as long as you put up a good fight along the way.
STRENGTH IN ABSTINENCE 
However, the journal of Science of Wholeness News maintain that long term abstinence or celibacy is actually good, because it leads to a build up of sexual energy which, when properly channeled, can give men a greater sense of purpose, improved concentration and a more efficient memory.
Despite the general indifference of modern society towards the essence of virginity, it seems to be making a strong come back in some quarters.
People have begun to see as a means of combating the scourge of sexually transmitted infections (STI’s), HIV/Aids and unwanted pregnancies. In some African countries, virginity testing is still practiced, and although legislation may outlaw it, it is unlikely to disappear anytime soon.
VIRGINITY THE MOVEMENT
Sexy supermodel Adrianna Lima is inspiring lots of young women to remain chaste until marriage, as she has publicly declared her decision to remain a virgin until her wedding night. Though her decision may not have any traditional or religious basis, she makes it clear that it is her choice, and that any man who disrespects her choice does not really want her. Personally, I consider her decision questionable because her profession eludes her.
In America, the “Silver Ring Thing”, an Evangelical American movement founded in 1996 by Pastor Denny Pattyn, encourages teenagers to wear chastity rings. These symbolize their vow to remain chaste. The movement was also launched in Britain in 2003. In Nigeria, Madame Adunni Adediran has begun an initiative that promotes abstinence before marriage and upholds moral and cultural values.
VIRGINITY THE PROCEDURE
One interesting aspect of the increasing desirability of the state of virginity is a surgical procedure known as hymenoplasty, which aims to restore virginity through the reconstruction of the hymen.
According to Monica Galvan’s article on “repairing your own down there”, the procedure is common among Muslim women in France and is making its way across the United States. In Egypt where it is not allowed, women have the operation in secret. A general survey reveals that the cost of hymenoplasty is between $2000 and $5000. If women are prepared to pay that much to become “revirgined”, perhaps virginity has more value than we usually care to give it.
VIRGINITY TODAY
Does virginity still have a place in modern society, or should it be considered old – fashioned and tossed aside? While some feel it is not an indication of how moral or immoral a person is, and thus disregarded its significance, others disagree. And while some believe that to put a rein on one’s sexual desires shows a high respect for moral values and a strong sense of identity and self – worth, others wonder whether a spirit of liberation and independence is not preferable.
Another important question is how virginity should be defined. Should it be narrowed down to the presence of the hymen? Is it right to look at virginity merely as a physical state, ignoring the woman’s mental and emotional state? Some ask if virginity should be restricted to penetration alone: what about women who encourage forms of sexual intimacy that bypass penetration? Are such women to be considered virgins?
Way back in the 13th century, philosopher Albertus Magnus proposed four different types of virginity:
1. Natural Virginity – you are a baby, you’re born with it;
2. Avowed Virginity – you take a public oath of celibacy;
3. Informal Virginity – a personal choice, usually temporary; and
4. Questionable Virginity – you say you’re virgin, but you certainly don’t look, talk or act like one!
In an era where women are adopting more front-line roles, the idea of virginity could actually be very welcome – maybe there is some truth to this association with independence, power and influence.
However, the importance of virginity often only hits home with an unexpected pregnancy or STI, accompanied by low self esteem and shattered emotions and expectations.
In the end, the decision to remain virgin or not shouldn’t be a matter of personal choice but should be borne out of total obedience to God and His commands. Virginity shouldn’t be restricted to not having sex alone but should be a way of life and even though in these times it may sound dumb and outdated according to human standards (and those who do it seem to get away wit it), remember that only the pure shall see God.
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