Sex is a beautiful thing. Just as every other thing that was designed by Master designer. It was designed for procreation purposes and also happens to be pleasurable in the process (talk about what God won't do to make us happy).
The idea of seeing two people come together through such a powerful and spiritual manner to create life remains a mystery we will never comprehend. However, in spite of all this glorification, having sex still has its consequences. I'm not preaching whether it's right or wrong. Or whether you should, or shouldn't have it. That's remains your decision since you have the right to free will. This is for those who do not want to engage in sex whether it is teens who are too young, or men and women who'd rather not, or the reasoning is for religious beliefs. Sometimes it's not even about not having sex eventually but Sometimes if it happens too fast, then there is a chance that is what the relationship will just be about.
I actually believe it can potentially be bad to have sex too soon, if you are really serious about your partner. I can't say that is for certain. I know that doesn't sound like a real manly thing to say either. Everyone wants sex, or likes it. Women do, obviously guys do as well. Outside those physical urges we all get, sometimes it's not always the right time for sex and being human (with a body no be wood mentality)it's not always easy to control them.
However, if you are really serious about it here are stop steps I'm sure might help.
1. Avoid being alone during possible sexual situations. For instance if the two of you are in a house, or apartment all alone. This is a very easy way for sexual tension to increase quite fast (especially if you two are attracted to each other) then you start to kiss and quickly and we know how that usually ends. I know the two of you need alone time, some of the time. You can go about it in some other way like going to see a movie and creating fun things you can both enjoy without feeling sorry for it or generally avoid doing things that increase the chance of it escalating into sex. I guess this step is pretty difficult but it's in all of us to achieve whatever we set our minds to.
2. Think about something that's a total turn off. If you feel the urge is really coming, think about the most unattractive thing possible to help block off such thoughts. The main objective here is to help get your mind engaged as constructively as possible.
3. Talk to your partner. Tell him or her what your beliefs are and what you want. If they truly care about you and want to be with you, they'd understand. Don't feel guilty, or allow them to make you feel bad for not pleasing their pleasures. You shouldn't be entitled to do something that you aren't sure or ready for. If they can't understand this, then you have to wonder if they are who you thought they were and if you ought to be with them. Remember your belief and ideals are what make up your existence and where you don't see eye to eye with your partner on such issues then I need not say more.
4. Avoid peer pressure from others. It's very easy for both of the couples in the relationship to feel they aren't ready, and have friends pressure them into it. I never understood this, especially for a guys sake. When other men look down at it as wimpy, or not "manly" if a guy doesn't engage in sex. To me that just tells you how insecure they are in reality. Where they have to hide that with the macho sex talk. It's extremely easy for all of us to have sex (besides sex in itself is not a sin, it's who you have it with that makes it a sin). For some it is some big mission in life. Everyone does it eventually, how else are there so many of us popping up everywhere? So ignore those people, if you must.
5. Work together. There's no better feeling than knowing you are with someone that shares the same ideals with you. Though there are some exceptions to the rule because I've seen and heard of people who were heavily influenced by their partners and turned around for good. Still it is important to know that both of you are working for each others spiritual development because true religion is not immoral.
If you are not ready to start having sex or want to save it for marriage, then you might have to wait a while before you can find a partner cos it's becoming more difficult to find Ur kind of people these days even amongst devoted Christians (yes even them too). They are the worst hit, some saying one thing and doing another whilst some are embracing it with outstretched arms. But not to worry, as long as it's your life your talking about, that's all that really counts.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Friday, December 10, 2010
10 Characteristics of a Healthy Relationship
The sky is the limit for how far you can go in a healthy relationship.
Healthy relationships with friends are the icing on life's cake. But it is not easy to form one, especially if you have not been surrounded by healthy relationships in the past. The exciting news, however, is that healthy friendships are a win-win situation. Standing together, friends can encourage each other to do amazing things in life. By understanding the characteristics of a healthy relationship, you can begin to improve and build new friendships.
Open Communication
1. People in healthy relationships communicate openly with one another. They give more than just a daily update of events; they talk about personal issues in their lives.
Balance
2. Relationships can often end in a train wreck when one person gives and the other only takes. But don't fall into the trap of comparing every little act of giving and expect it to be countered by an equal act from the other person. Friends in a healthy relationship should simply enjoy giving without expecting something in return, and that goes both ways.
Compassion
3. The main ingredient for all good friendships is compassion---when you truly care for the other person's needs as much as your own.
Honesty
4. People in healthy relationships are open and honest. They do not hide things of importance from each other, even if it makes them uncomfortable. Lies and cover-ups undermine trust, which is the foundation of a healthy relationship.
Faithfulness
5. When life gets hard, best friends don't hit the trail running in opposite directions. They stand by each other through thick and thin. They are true to their word and follow through with things they say they are going to do. Faithfulness in a friendship is imperative, especially when tragedy or hard times hit.
Respect
6. Everybody has expectations, which sometimes are not fulfilled. Maybe you and your friend have opposing viewpoints on an issue. This does not mean you need to part ways. On the contrary, people in healthy relationships learn to respect each other's ideas and opinions.
Conflict Resolution
7. Friends need to learn a healthy process of dealing with differences. This involves listening and healthy communication. For example, never say, "You always ..." or "There you go again with ...". It's always better to listen carefully, ask clarifying questions, and use appropriate "I" messages like, "I feel hurt when that happens because ..." or "I feel as if my opinions aren't being considered when ...". Nobody can argue with your perceptions and feelings. Learn which battles are worth fighting, and which ones are not worth the struggle.
Fun
8. Friends in a healthy relationship are good at getting things accomplished together, but they also know when to set work aside. They like doing fun activities together, or simply sharing a laugh.
Forgiveness
9. Forgiving others does not mean inviting them to trample over you time and time again. It simply means that you put the past behind you and hope for better things to come. If one person continues to deliberately offend the other, repeatedly expecting forgiveness, it might be time to end the relationship.
Be Yourself
10. Your friend should appreciate you for you. You should not have to change anything about your style or personality for somebody to like you.
By James Werning,
Healthy relationships with friends are the icing on life's cake. But it is not easy to form one, especially if you have not been surrounded by healthy relationships in the past. The exciting news, however, is that healthy friendships are a win-win situation. Standing together, friends can encourage each other to do amazing things in life. By understanding the characteristics of a healthy relationship, you can begin to improve and build new friendships.
Open Communication
1. People in healthy relationships communicate openly with one another. They give more than just a daily update of events; they talk about personal issues in their lives.
Balance
2. Relationships can often end in a train wreck when one person gives and the other only takes. But don't fall into the trap of comparing every little act of giving and expect it to be countered by an equal act from the other person. Friends in a healthy relationship should simply enjoy giving without expecting something in return, and that goes both ways.
Compassion
3. The main ingredient for all good friendships is compassion---when you truly care for the other person's needs as much as your own.
Honesty
4. People in healthy relationships are open and honest. They do not hide things of importance from each other, even if it makes them uncomfortable. Lies and cover-ups undermine trust, which is the foundation of a healthy relationship.
Faithfulness
5. When life gets hard, best friends don't hit the trail running in opposite directions. They stand by each other through thick and thin. They are true to their word and follow through with things they say they are going to do. Faithfulness in a friendship is imperative, especially when tragedy or hard times hit.
Respect
6. Everybody has expectations, which sometimes are not fulfilled. Maybe you and your friend have opposing viewpoints on an issue. This does not mean you need to part ways. On the contrary, people in healthy relationships learn to respect each other's ideas and opinions.
Conflict Resolution
7. Friends need to learn a healthy process of dealing with differences. This involves listening and healthy communication. For example, never say, "You always ..." or "There you go again with ...". It's always better to listen carefully, ask clarifying questions, and use appropriate "I" messages like, "I feel hurt when that happens because ..." or "I feel as if my opinions aren't being considered when ...". Nobody can argue with your perceptions and feelings. Learn which battles are worth fighting, and which ones are not worth the struggle.
Fun
8. Friends in a healthy relationship are good at getting things accomplished together, but they also know when to set work aside. They like doing fun activities together, or simply sharing a laugh.
Forgiveness
9. Forgiving others does not mean inviting them to trample over you time and time again. It simply means that you put the past behind you and hope for better things to come. If one person continues to deliberately offend the other, repeatedly expecting forgiveness, it might be time to end the relationship.
Be Yourself
10. Your friend should appreciate you for you. You should not have to change anything about your style or personality for somebody to like you.
By James Werning,
8 SIGNS YOU'RE DATING THE WRONG PERSON
Is there a nagging voice inside you? Something telling you that maybe this person you’re spending time with isn’t the best person for you to be with? That there’s someone better?
That your current relationship isn’t what you had dreamed for yourself? If so, then these are probably feelings you want to explore further. Here are eight signs that you are dating the wrong person.
Sign #1: You’re not Happy
This is a great place to start. Someone who is dating the right person consistently enjoys the relationship and feels a general sense of happiness. We’re not saying that they wouldn’t argue or be upset with their partner occasionally; even the healthiest couples do that. And we’re not saying that there wouldn’t be times when a person in a good relationship would get down or struggle emotionally at some level. But generally speaking, a person who is in the right relationship is going to be happy. So if you find yourself unhappy much of the time – and especially when you’re with your partner – then that’s a fairly clear sign that this may not be the best person for you.
Sign #2: You Don’t Feel Good about Yourself
In addition to feeling happy, a person in a good relationship usually has a positive self esteem. Sure, they will have doubts and insecurities, and they may even deal with some bigger questions about themselves. But the time they spend with their partner will make them feel better about themselves, not worse. In contrast, if your partner exacerbates your self doubts and undermines your confidence, then that’s a major red flag that this is not a good person for you to be in a relationship with. You want someone who affirms and celebrates the great things about you, not someone who wrecks your self confidence and torpedoes your every attempt at growth.
Sign #3: The People you Trust Urge you to Get Out
If the people you trust and are closest to feel that you’ve found a good catch and therefore encourage the relationship, that’s a good sign that you two may belong together. On the other hand, if the people who love you the most are begging you to get away from someone, then that person’s probably not the one for you. Of course, sometimes your friends and family may choose someone for you who isn’t a great match. In these cases, it’s not always wise to follow their advice. But if they are the people you trust the most and who know you best, and they are urging you to get out of your current relationship, then you owe it to yourself to give their advice a serious listen.
Sign #4: You Find yourself Constantly Thinking about Someone Else
It’s not always the case that a person is wrong because of some sort of character flaw or personal defect. Sometimes, the problem is simply that the person isn’t someone else. If you are dating one person but secretly wishing you were with somebody else, then that’s a problem. It could be that it’s an ex you’re still carrying a torch for. Or maybe it’s someone else in your life you wish you could be with. Regardless, if you are constantly (or even frequently) wishing you were dating a different person, then that’s a sure-fire sign that your current relationship is not all it should be.
Sign #5: You Find yourself Denying Facts you know to be True
This is the old “river in Egypt” problem—you’re swimming in “de Nile.” And it can happen to all of us. We know something is true, but we just can’t bring ourselves to see it or admit it. Maybe you don’t want to believe something negative about your partner, or you want to ignore the fact that all you two ever do is argue when you’re together. Whatever the actual issue, if you are working hard to deny facts about your relationship that you know to be true, then you are probably dating the wrong person.
Sign #6: The Cons of Staying Together Outweigh the Pros
A cost-benefit analysis can be helpful in situations other than at the office. Sit down for a few minutes and write down the advantages of continuing to date the person you are with. Then list the disadvantages. When you compare the lists, you might determine that the reasons to stay together are more compelling than the reasons to break up. But if the opposite appears to be the case, then let logic be your guide and move on to someone else.
Sign #7: Your Instincts are Saying get Out
As a general rule, voices inside you are there for a reason, and they ought to be listened to. Sometimes an inner voice may tell us that we’ve found our soul mate, or simply that we should continue to pursue a relationship until we discover how fulfilling it can be. But sometimes, something within us is whispering (or even screaming) that we’re dating the wrong person. If this is the case for you, then one of the worst things you can do is to ignore that voice. Give it free reign and let it direct you to the conclusion you may have already come to.
Sign #8: You Already Know the Truth
It might be the case that at this point, you really don’t know whether you are dating the wrong person. If so, then you may want to continue the relationship for a while longer so you two can explore whether you should be together. Relationships often take time to achieve their full potential. But you may determine that you are dating someone you should definitely not be dating. If so, then you need to be brave enough to do what you need to do, and end the relationship.
Find someone who treats you like you need to be treated and makes you happy. Someone who makes you feel good about yourself, and whom the people you trust encourage you to be with. Someone who, when you are really honest with yourself, you know deserves to become that special person in your life. When you find that person, you won’t have to worry that you’re dating the wrong person.
That your current relationship isn’t what you had dreamed for yourself? If so, then these are probably feelings you want to explore further. Here are eight signs that you are dating the wrong person.
Sign #1: You’re not Happy
This is a great place to start. Someone who is dating the right person consistently enjoys the relationship and feels a general sense of happiness. We’re not saying that they wouldn’t argue or be upset with their partner occasionally; even the healthiest couples do that. And we’re not saying that there wouldn’t be times when a person in a good relationship would get down or struggle emotionally at some level. But generally speaking, a person who is in the right relationship is going to be happy. So if you find yourself unhappy much of the time – and especially when you’re with your partner – then that’s a fairly clear sign that this may not be the best person for you.
Sign #2: You Don’t Feel Good about Yourself
In addition to feeling happy, a person in a good relationship usually has a positive self esteem. Sure, they will have doubts and insecurities, and they may even deal with some bigger questions about themselves. But the time they spend with their partner will make them feel better about themselves, not worse. In contrast, if your partner exacerbates your self doubts and undermines your confidence, then that’s a major red flag that this is not a good person for you to be in a relationship with. You want someone who affirms and celebrates the great things about you, not someone who wrecks your self confidence and torpedoes your every attempt at growth.
Sign #3: The People you Trust Urge you to Get Out
If the people you trust and are closest to feel that you’ve found a good catch and therefore encourage the relationship, that’s a good sign that you two may belong together. On the other hand, if the people who love you the most are begging you to get away from someone, then that person’s probably not the one for you. Of course, sometimes your friends and family may choose someone for you who isn’t a great match. In these cases, it’s not always wise to follow their advice. But if they are the people you trust the most and who know you best, and they are urging you to get out of your current relationship, then you owe it to yourself to give their advice a serious listen.
Sign #4: You Find yourself Constantly Thinking about Someone Else
It’s not always the case that a person is wrong because of some sort of character flaw or personal defect. Sometimes, the problem is simply that the person isn’t someone else. If you are dating one person but secretly wishing you were with somebody else, then that’s a problem. It could be that it’s an ex you’re still carrying a torch for. Or maybe it’s someone else in your life you wish you could be with. Regardless, if you are constantly (or even frequently) wishing you were dating a different person, then that’s a sure-fire sign that your current relationship is not all it should be.
Sign #5: You Find yourself Denying Facts you know to be True
This is the old “river in Egypt” problem—you’re swimming in “de Nile.” And it can happen to all of us. We know something is true, but we just can’t bring ourselves to see it or admit it. Maybe you don’t want to believe something negative about your partner, or you want to ignore the fact that all you two ever do is argue when you’re together. Whatever the actual issue, if you are working hard to deny facts about your relationship that you know to be true, then you are probably dating the wrong person.
Sign #6: The Cons of Staying Together Outweigh the Pros
A cost-benefit analysis can be helpful in situations other than at the office. Sit down for a few minutes and write down the advantages of continuing to date the person you are with. Then list the disadvantages. When you compare the lists, you might determine that the reasons to stay together are more compelling than the reasons to break up. But if the opposite appears to be the case, then let logic be your guide and move on to someone else.
Sign #7: Your Instincts are Saying get Out
As a general rule, voices inside you are there for a reason, and they ought to be listened to. Sometimes an inner voice may tell us that we’ve found our soul mate, or simply that we should continue to pursue a relationship until we discover how fulfilling it can be. But sometimes, something within us is whispering (or even screaming) that we’re dating the wrong person. If this is the case for you, then one of the worst things you can do is to ignore that voice. Give it free reign and let it direct you to the conclusion you may have already come to.
Sign #8: You Already Know the Truth
It might be the case that at this point, you really don’t know whether you are dating the wrong person. If so, then you may want to continue the relationship for a while longer so you two can explore whether you should be together. Relationships often take time to achieve their full potential. But you may determine that you are dating someone you should definitely not be dating. If so, then you need to be brave enough to do what you need to do, and end the relationship.
Find someone who treats you like you need to be treated and makes you happy. Someone who makes you feel good about yourself, and whom the people you trust encourage you to be with. Someone who, when you are really honest with yourself, you know deserves to become that special person in your life. When you find that person, you won’t have to worry that you’re dating the wrong person.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
SECRETS TO KEEP SECRETS TO SPILL
In a perfect relationship, you wouldn't keep any secrets from your sweetie. And you'd never have to worry if he were keeping anything from you, because his life, too, would be an open book.
But we live in the real world, where even the healthiest couples sometimes hide things from each other. To most of us, the secret to end all secrets (and many relationships) is an affair -- and no one will quibble with the devastating consequences of infidelity. Yet even "small" deceptions can rock a relationship, and it can be hard to draw the line between what's harmless and what's not.
So how to tell what can stay safely tucked away and what calls for a confession? We asked dating experts to outline the rules for secret keeping (and sharing).
Dating Rule #1: Secrets You Must Spill
If you want a relationship grounded in mutual trust (and who doesn't?), certain issues require full disclosure. "If something has a chance of impacting your partner's future or his life with you, then he has a right to know about it," says Mira Kirshenbaum, a relationship expert and author of "Is He Mr. Right?" This includes anything from the past that has reverberations in the present (lingering debts, a chronic medical condition, past emotional abuse), and anything in the present that could affect the future (a health scare, a potential downsizing at work).
As many couples find out too late, when you keep a secret that profoundly affects your family, you face a double whammy when the secret eventually -- or inevitably -- implodes: After the first shock wave from the hidden truth rips through the family, you're hit with the secondary tremors that come from the resulting feelings of betrayal and distrust. "My husband was running a retail website, and he assured me it was doing well," recalls Karen, a 39-year-old mom of two. "I thought I could stay home with my children and not have to worry about making money myself." A year ago, however, Karen discovered that her husband's business was in the hole for more than $1 million, and he had taken out a line of credit against their house. The truth came out only when he announced that he would have to take an additional job. "I was furious!" Karen says. A year later, her family has begun recovering from the financial blow, but Karen is still dealing with her sense of hurt, anger, and betrayal.
When confronted with such a big, sudden revelation, it's natural to think, "Why didn't you tell me? I'm the one person on earth who is supposed to understand!" But the reasons men, in particular, keep secrets like these are multilayered, say the experts. They may, like Karen's husband, want to keep up an appearance of being strong and in control -- out of fear that you'll stop loving them if you see them in a different, vulnerable light. They may be loath to deal with the turbulence they know their secret will unleash. And yes, some men may just hope that silence will help them avoid a fight. "Men are wary of women's emotional reactivity and usually shy away from conflicts," says Redbook Love Network expert Scott Haltzman, M.D., author of "The Secrets of Happily Married Men." "They'll do anything to avoid making a woman furious, though they usually end up making things worse."
Even when your secret is something that seems minor to you, you must be open with your partner if it's related to a topic he's expressed curiosity or a strong opinion about. "As soon as you get serious with someone, sit down and ask him, 'Is there anything you want to know about me that I haven't told you yet?'" advises Redbook Love Network expert Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., author of "Getting the Love Your Want." It's a clear-the-air strategy even long-term couples can use. And as counterintuitive as this may sound, the more likely your partner is to freak out about your secret, the more important it is that you confess, Hendrix adds, because if the truth about a sensitive subject comes out later, the rupture could be even more serious. Not only does your partner need all of this information to be able to make informed decisions about your life together, he also needs to know that you trust him enough to share it. "If you don't tell your partner about something, then you're really saying he's not wise enough, generous enough, or loving enough to handle it," says Kirshenbaum. "And that can be deeply wounding."
Dating Rule #2: Secrets to Consider Spilling
If you're honest with yourself, then it's not too hard to figure out which secrets fall into the "Red Light! Stop and Spill Everything" category. But what about the ones -- especially those transgressions from your distant past -- that belong in the murkier "Slow Down and Think Before You Spill" zone? On the one hand, if some embarrassing episode from your history is long past and has no impact on your life today, you can consider keeping your lips sealed.
Here's another important factor when weighing whether or not to tell. Murphy's Law of love says that the less you want a secret to be revealed, the more likely it is to suddenly spring up in your relationship like a jack-in-the-box, shouting, "Gotcha!" So consider this: Are there any pictures floating around on the Internet that might give you away? Any friends who have a habit of telling your somewhat sordid old stories after a couple of mojitos? How about an ex-lover who could potentially reappear? If there's any way your partner might accidentally learn your secret, it's better that you do the telling first.
Coming clean about your romantic past is a worthy goal, but Kirshenbaum warns that you must tread carefully. "You don't need to give the exact number of previous lovers or endless details about what you did with them," she says. "There's absolutely no point in filling your partner's head with mental images that can't be deleted."
Dating Rule #3: Shhh! Secrets That Won't Kill Him
Sure, as a rule, honesty is the best policy. But anyone who's been in a long-term relationship knows that there is definitely some wiggle room when it comes to keeping a few personal tidbits to yourself, provided they are harmless and don't involve any outright lies. Maybe you earned a bonus and spent it all on a new leather jacket without telling him; or he listens to Howard Stern on the radio on his way to work and doesn't tell you. "Even when we're married, we still have private selves," says Kirshenbaum. "It's healthy to have a sense that this is my personal business and no one else's." In fact, keeping an innocent little part of yourself off-limits can add some spark to your relationship. If he knew every last detail about your life, what fun revelations could there possibly be in the future?
Some couples find that hanging a veil of secrecy over certain aspects of their lives helps make their marriages run much more smoothly. "For the first decade of our marriage, my husband and I fought over every purchase I made, from a bag of cleaning supplies to a new coat," says Laurel, 36. "Finally, I had this breakthrough: if he doesn't see a bill, he won't think about it! So now I use cash when I shop. If I want to buy a pair of shoes, and I can afford them, he doesn't have to know how much they cost. Believe me, everyone in the house is a lot happier now."
Just make sure you and your guy are on the same page. If you're both willing to trade complete candor for a bit of ignorance-is-bliss harmony, then there's no harm, and plenty of potential gain. But, Haltzman points out, this deal only works when it goes both ways. Don't harass him about the cost of his new camera lens if you don't want him to ask you the price of that new handbag -- and when it doesn't involve an area you are working on together, like a budget. "If your partner has expressed a desire to work cooperatively on something and you're still keeping information from him, then you've crossed that line," Haltzman says.
One clue that your secret is a healthy one: The evidence is usually hidden in plain sight. If your partner really wanted to know how much those shoes cost, he could notice the fancy label on the insole; if you really wanted to know what offensive radio show he was listening to, you could click on his preprogrammed radio stations next time you're in the car.
Some deceptions are just plain burdensome, often creating more anxiety and distress than coming clean ever would. "I agonized about my secret for the first several months I was dating my now husband," says Cathy, 41. "I'm 10 years older than he is, and I was sure he would dump me if he found out." Her day of reckoning came when they joined Paul's mother for dinner at a Chinese restaurant. "She looked on the place mat and said, 'I was born in the year of the monkey. Which year are you?'" Cathy steeled herself and told the truth, revealing her age. "I was sure my boyfriend would break up with me, but he just laughed and said he didn't think I was too old for him. He was worried that I would think he was too young for me!" Proof that the truth has a way of coming out -- and when you've got a partner you trust, it doesn't have to be so awful after all.
How to Spill a Secret
Here's the smart and sensitive way to tell your guy what you've been hiding:
Make an appointment. Don't just spring it on him. Say, "I have something important to discuss with you. Can we find an hour tonight to talk?"
Pick the right spot. Avoid spilling in a crowded public place, like a restaurant, or your bedroom, which should be reserved for positive experiences. Find a safe, neutral spot, like the den or a park.
Be prepared to apologize. "The big mistake is trying to make it seem as if the revelation is no big deal," says marriage counselor Mira Kirshenbaum. "You need to say, 'I'm sorry, there's something I should have told you a long time ago, but I was ashamed to tell you. I hope you'll forgive me.'"
Enlist a third party. A major reveal works best with a referee. Recruit a friend you both trust -- or in the case of the biggest bombshells, such as an affair, a marriage counselor.
But we live in the real world, where even the healthiest couples sometimes hide things from each other. To most of us, the secret to end all secrets (and many relationships) is an affair -- and no one will quibble with the devastating consequences of infidelity. Yet even "small" deceptions can rock a relationship, and it can be hard to draw the line between what's harmless and what's not.
So how to tell what can stay safely tucked away and what calls for a confession? We asked dating experts to outline the rules for secret keeping (and sharing).
Dating Rule #1: Secrets You Must Spill
If you want a relationship grounded in mutual trust (and who doesn't?), certain issues require full disclosure. "If something has a chance of impacting your partner's future or his life with you, then he has a right to know about it," says Mira Kirshenbaum, a relationship expert and author of "Is He Mr. Right?" This includes anything from the past that has reverberations in the present (lingering debts, a chronic medical condition, past emotional abuse), and anything in the present that could affect the future (a health scare, a potential downsizing at work).
As many couples find out too late, when you keep a secret that profoundly affects your family, you face a double whammy when the secret eventually -- or inevitably -- implodes: After the first shock wave from the hidden truth rips through the family, you're hit with the secondary tremors that come from the resulting feelings of betrayal and distrust. "My husband was running a retail website, and he assured me it was doing well," recalls Karen, a 39-year-old mom of two. "I thought I could stay home with my children and not have to worry about making money myself." A year ago, however, Karen discovered that her husband's business was in the hole for more than $1 million, and he had taken out a line of credit against their house. The truth came out only when he announced that he would have to take an additional job. "I was furious!" Karen says. A year later, her family has begun recovering from the financial blow, but Karen is still dealing with her sense of hurt, anger, and betrayal.
When confronted with such a big, sudden revelation, it's natural to think, "Why didn't you tell me? I'm the one person on earth who is supposed to understand!" But the reasons men, in particular, keep secrets like these are multilayered, say the experts. They may, like Karen's husband, want to keep up an appearance of being strong and in control -- out of fear that you'll stop loving them if you see them in a different, vulnerable light. They may be loath to deal with the turbulence they know their secret will unleash. And yes, some men may just hope that silence will help them avoid a fight. "Men are wary of women's emotional reactivity and usually shy away from conflicts," says Redbook Love Network expert Scott Haltzman, M.D., author of "The Secrets of Happily Married Men." "They'll do anything to avoid making a woman furious, though they usually end up making things worse."
Even when your secret is something that seems minor to you, you must be open with your partner if it's related to a topic he's expressed curiosity or a strong opinion about. "As soon as you get serious with someone, sit down and ask him, 'Is there anything you want to know about me that I haven't told you yet?'" advises Redbook Love Network expert Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., author of "Getting the Love Your Want." It's a clear-the-air strategy even long-term couples can use. And as counterintuitive as this may sound, the more likely your partner is to freak out about your secret, the more important it is that you confess, Hendrix adds, because if the truth about a sensitive subject comes out later, the rupture could be even more serious. Not only does your partner need all of this information to be able to make informed decisions about your life together, he also needs to know that you trust him enough to share it. "If you don't tell your partner about something, then you're really saying he's not wise enough, generous enough, or loving enough to handle it," says Kirshenbaum. "And that can be deeply wounding."
Dating Rule #2: Secrets to Consider Spilling
If you're honest with yourself, then it's not too hard to figure out which secrets fall into the "Red Light! Stop and Spill Everything" category. But what about the ones -- especially those transgressions from your distant past -- that belong in the murkier "Slow Down and Think Before You Spill" zone? On the one hand, if some embarrassing episode from your history is long past and has no impact on your life today, you can consider keeping your lips sealed.
Here's another important factor when weighing whether or not to tell. Murphy's Law of love says that the less you want a secret to be revealed, the more likely it is to suddenly spring up in your relationship like a jack-in-the-box, shouting, "Gotcha!" So consider this: Are there any pictures floating around on the Internet that might give you away? Any friends who have a habit of telling your somewhat sordid old stories after a couple of mojitos? How about an ex-lover who could potentially reappear? If there's any way your partner might accidentally learn your secret, it's better that you do the telling first.
Coming clean about your romantic past is a worthy goal, but Kirshenbaum warns that you must tread carefully. "You don't need to give the exact number of previous lovers or endless details about what you did with them," she says. "There's absolutely no point in filling your partner's head with mental images that can't be deleted."
Dating Rule #3: Shhh! Secrets That Won't Kill Him
Sure, as a rule, honesty is the best policy. But anyone who's been in a long-term relationship knows that there is definitely some wiggle room when it comes to keeping a few personal tidbits to yourself, provided they are harmless and don't involve any outright lies. Maybe you earned a bonus and spent it all on a new leather jacket without telling him; or he listens to Howard Stern on the radio on his way to work and doesn't tell you. "Even when we're married, we still have private selves," says Kirshenbaum. "It's healthy to have a sense that this is my personal business and no one else's." In fact, keeping an innocent little part of yourself off-limits can add some spark to your relationship. If he knew every last detail about your life, what fun revelations could there possibly be in the future?
Some couples find that hanging a veil of secrecy over certain aspects of their lives helps make their marriages run much more smoothly. "For the first decade of our marriage, my husband and I fought over every purchase I made, from a bag of cleaning supplies to a new coat," says Laurel, 36. "Finally, I had this breakthrough: if he doesn't see a bill, he won't think about it! So now I use cash when I shop. If I want to buy a pair of shoes, and I can afford them, he doesn't have to know how much they cost. Believe me, everyone in the house is a lot happier now."
Just make sure you and your guy are on the same page. If you're both willing to trade complete candor for a bit of ignorance-is-bliss harmony, then there's no harm, and plenty of potential gain. But, Haltzman points out, this deal only works when it goes both ways. Don't harass him about the cost of his new camera lens if you don't want him to ask you the price of that new handbag -- and when it doesn't involve an area you are working on together, like a budget. "If your partner has expressed a desire to work cooperatively on something and you're still keeping information from him, then you've crossed that line," Haltzman says.
One clue that your secret is a healthy one: The evidence is usually hidden in plain sight. If your partner really wanted to know how much those shoes cost, he could notice the fancy label on the insole; if you really wanted to know what offensive radio show he was listening to, you could click on his preprogrammed radio stations next time you're in the car.
Some deceptions are just plain burdensome, often creating more anxiety and distress than coming clean ever would. "I agonized about my secret for the first several months I was dating my now husband," says Cathy, 41. "I'm 10 years older than he is, and I was sure he would dump me if he found out." Her day of reckoning came when they joined Paul's mother for dinner at a Chinese restaurant. "She looked on the place mat and said, 'I was born in the year of the monkey. Which year are you?'" Cathy steeled herself and told the truth, revealing her age. "I was sure my boyfriend would break up with me, but he just laughed and said he didn't think I was too old for him. He was worried that I would think he was too young for me!" Proof that the truth has a way of coming out -- and when you've got a partner you trust, it doesn't have to be so awful after all.
How to Spill a Secret
Here's the smart and sensitive way to tell your guy what you've been hiding:
Make an appointment. Don't just spring it on him. Say, "I have something important to discuss with you. Can we find an hour tonight to talk?"
Pick the right spot. Avoid spilling in a crowded public place, like a restaurant, or your bedroom, which should be reserved for positive experiences. Find a safe, neutral spot, like the den or a park.
Be prepared to apologize. "The big mistake is trying to make it seem as if the revelation is no big deal," says marriage counselor Mira Kirshenbaum. "You need to say, 'I'm sorry, there's something I should have told you a long time ago, but I was ashamed to tell you. I hope you'll forgive me.'"
Enlist a third party. A major reveal works best with a referee. Recruit a friend you both trust -- or in the case of the biggest bombshells, such as an affair, a marriage counselor.
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